.....

I experienced a lot of heartache growing up, watching my dad suffer with diabetes. Others may not think it's that big a deal, but I'm a sensitive girl, and you haven't seen what I have. Anyways, I just cant shake the feeling that I need to just get it all out there but I just don't know how..... I've cried many a times over it but how do you deal? You can't just erase images of your dad having a seizure. You can't erase the memory of waking up in the middle of the night because ambulance lights are shining in your bedroom. You can't erase the pain you see on your mom, brother, sister and even your dad's face after something like that happens. You don't forget the feeling you get when you walk into the room to see your dad staggering around asking if you know whether he took his shot or not...and then knowing you don't have the strength to handle his low sugar, you run to your mom for help. You can't forget the fear that wells up inside when your mom goes out of town and leaves you to deal with your dad in case something should happen. You can't erase the anger you feel when you call 911 to get an ambulance and have the dispatcher tell you to just relax. You can't forget the times when your mom would send you to your friends house down the street while your mom had to call the ambulance. You also can't forget coming home that night and seeing your dad actually taped to the floor to help keep him still for the paramedics. You can't forget the worry you feel when your dad goes out of town w/o somebody who can handle diabetes- or the relief you feel when he comes home safely. You cant erase the images of your dad sticking himself with insulin 3 or more times a day, and seeing him grimace while he does so. You can't forget the times you think daddy is playing around dancing and your mom tells you his sugar is actually low and to go to your room so she can help him. You can't forget the time he took us bike riding and fell of his bike and had a seizure on the side of the street about a half a mile away from home. You can't forget the scene of your little 5 year old brother riding away on his bike to go get your mom, with your sister following behind to make sure your brother gets there. You can't forget the feeling of fear being left alone, at 7 years old, on the side of the street telling the worried neighbor to get honey or milk or something sugary for your dad to help him.You can't forget the times after your dad is better and he scoops you up in his lap and holds you and tells you he loves you and how sorry he was for scaring us. You can't bring back all the times you were mean to your dad, disrepsectful, downright rude- and change them. You can't go back in time and give him more hugs, and wish you told more that you loved him. You just can't change it, you can't forget it.....but how do you deal?
The first time I told my dad I loved him, w/o him saying it first, was on Fathers Day 2004. I can't believe it took me 20 years to say it...
I love my daddy. I miss him bunches. I wish he could be cured.....and I can't wait for him to be in Heaven, his true home, where he will be diabetes free and running around worshipping his Maker!


I know I've blogged about diabetes before, but this felt more like a journal entry, something personal to me but I wanted to share it anyways. Kinda helps for healing, I guess.