New threads

I feel like I should post something new, but I don't have much important to say.

It's Christmas time. I was feeling so relieved that I wasn't going to NC for Christmas to be in the middle of things....now I miss my family more than ever. This is my first Christmas ever away from them. Not getting to celebrate Dad's bday with everyone. Sadness.

Our apartment has gotten way way way out of control with the mess. It's almost embarrassing. And it's not like i haven't had time to clean it. I just haven't cleaned it. I need some divine inspiration. Got any?

I've been exercising like a good girl. The numbers on the scale have not decreased, but my pants are starting to fit looser. So yay for me! Atta girl, ames. I pat my own back. I have never been this consistent with exercise ...well..ever. I've never exercised. Sad.

UMMM...That's all, I suppose.

School-io

Well, it's official...I am going back to school. Starting at the community college level, but hey, it's school! Maybe I will be the first of us O kids to get a degree. (after erica)...

I am going to major in psychology. But first I have to knock out some general ed classes. Which stinks cause I already have over 70 credit hours but not all of them count towards...anything.......

I am taking U.S. History (exciting!), Developmental Psych (wooho!!!), Nutrition, basic computers (i have to), and a math class. I must admit I am excited about all classes but math and computers. Comp will be a waste of time...math? retarded, also.

well gilmore girls is back on~

hope

hope  /ho-p/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[hohp] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation noun, verb, hoped, hop-‧ing.
–noun
1.
the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: to give up hope.
2.
a particular instance of this feeling: the hope of winning.
3.
grounds for this feeling in a particular instance: There is little or no hope of his recovery.
4.
a person or thing in which expectations are centered: The medicine was her last hope.
5.
something that is hoped for: Her forgiveness is my constant hope. –verb (used with object)
6.
to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.
7.
to believe, desire, or trust: I hope that my work will be satisfactory. –verb (used without object)
8.
to feel that something desired may happen: We hope for an early spring.
9.
Archaic. to place trust; rely (usually fol. by in). —Idiom
10.
hope against hope, to continue to hope, although the outlook does not warrant it: We are hoping against hope for a change in her condition

__________________________________________

This morning I felt hopeful.

Now I don't.

Will things ever go back to normal? Will Mom and Dad work through this? How long is it going to take? Will true change really come?

With my God all things are possible; with my God I can scale a wall. And so can my parents. Right?

....

I feel beautiful today.

That's a feeling that doesn't visit me very often.

WOOHOO!!!

6 more days until I see Mac-daddy, Erica, April, Carly and Gmom and Pops!!!!!!

My family!!!!!!!

You don't know how excited I am to see somebody I love so much. I can't begin to explain the joy. I already feel like I can't sleep ....

maybe that's because the neighbors upstairs are making so much noise...

Alright. I seriously had 2.5 hours of sleep last night. I am going to bed...to dream of seeing my FAMILY!!!!!!

Thoughts..

So Matt and I visited a new church yesterday...it was way cool. It was real small (maybe 100 people tops) compared to the church we've been going to...700-1,000 people. I liked it much better and I felt like the Pastor was actually preaching from the bible...not just using stories to teach with a verse here or there to back it up. He said something yesterday that really stuck out to me.. he said "If you're not moving forward, you're moving backwards". Interesting.,...do you know how many areas of my life I can apply that to right now? All of them.

For instance....cleaning the apartment. If I'm not cleaning, it's just getting messier.
If I'm not exercising, I'm gaining weight.
If I'm not spending time with Jesus, I'm not growing any.

It was pretty cool. Made me think. It also was cool that for filling out a visitors card we [both] got a $5 gift card to s'bux (that's starbucks)...so now I can get my Caramel Apple Cider I have been dreaming of since the weather turned cold and grey. I only like cold and grey weather if I can drive around and see peoples white christmas lights shining through the windows, or outside on their houses. Colored christmas lights are awful- I hate them. White ones only, people. Although I have thought of getting blue ones for my tree to go with all my snowmen and blue Christmas decor. Anyhoo...

This month I get to see Granmommy and Pops who I haven't seen since my wedding! To make it better, Maclerica (that's Maclaren and Erica) are going to be there and April and Carly, too! ( i hope?!!). I am so excited to see my family! I miss my brother and sisters so much. ANd neice. And grandparents. And pretty much everybody who isn't in Oklahoma.

Today is productive...I've already changed the sheets on the bed, cleaned up (almost), got dinner in the crock, what else...? Ah relaxing.

That's all for now, folks! Tune in next time..

Our new car...its a 2000 Dodge Neon...we named him Nemo for obvious reasons...(duh..it's orange..). I love him!

If anybody reads this..

I just wanted to say to please keep Grandma Ruthie (Matt's grandmom) in your prayers. We put her in the hospital Saturday cause she was real sick. They are thinking she has pneumonia and possibly a pulminary embolism which is a blood clot in her lungs. They are treating her for both problems and she is getting better every day, but if you can remember to pray for her recovery please do! And pray for the sanity of all of us while we wait for Gma to get better and try to live our lives also. Especially for Matt's momma cause she has the munchkins to care for and Gma always helped her so much and right now she can't....sooo yeah, that is all.

Hmmm

It's no lie that I am the proudest aunt alive...

and now the fact that I am going to have ANOTHER NIECE is really making me prouder.

Another girl!!!!! yay!!

I have the greatest most handsome husband in the world. He loves me so much. I'm so greatful!

Creepy crawley

I'm not even joking when I say this...

HENRY CRAWLED FOR THE FIRST TIME TODAY!!

I'm so sad that I am the one to see it, not his momma and dada. I am debating whether or not to tell them because I want her to see it first. She is kinda anal about that sort of stuff.

But I mean he was on his little blanket he plays on, and I look down and he is crawling like 5 feet away to get his toy!! I started freaking out....HENRY, YOU'RE CRAWLING!! And he is just smiling away. Oh gosh, it was the most exciting thing I have ever seen. Besides seeing my neice crawl, but I'm sure I didn't see the first time for that.

In other news....it's no lie that I am 30 pounds (give a few more) overweight. This aint right. How can I want a child when I am in no shape to bear one? How can I complain about my pants size when I do nothing to change it? Huh? How?? Our apartment complex has a fitness center that I have never used....all I have to do is pay a one time fee of $25 dollars and I have access to it after hours, which is when I have time to go in there. So, I am gonna do that this week and start working out to lose this weight. I have to. It' s so important for me,. for mattie and as obedeince to God to take care of His temple.

I cant believe I saw Henry crawl. I mean I was so excited as if it was my own child. What it must be like to actually see that happen for your own kid! Gah what joy to be a mommy!! My time will come but ooooohhh I cannot wait until it does.

Mo money, mo problems..

Yes Puff Daddy and Notorious B.I.G. said itbest...the more money you come across, the more problems you see.

Soo...I think our computer is biting the dust. My year old laptop bit the dust a couple months back. Matt's approx. 5 year old Dell laptop has lasted forever...until now...suddenly the screen keeps blinking and then just going completely blank. No amount of jiggling the mouse brings it back. Today I had to reboot it and then 5 mins later it did it again. Soo basically we are probably going to have to buy a new computer. Can we do this? Yes, but if we do then that uses our money to go to Fayetteville for Christmas. I have to go to NC for Christmas. It's the one time a year we're all together. Also my bra's have decided to fritz out on me and all the elastic has come loose. I also need new clothes. I also need Season 2 of the Office when it comes out tomorrow. Oh yeah, I also need an eye exam and new glasses. We need $$ people and we dont have enough for all that we need.

So here's what I'm askin you to do....pray that we can trust God for Provision. Or for money to magically appear in our mailbox. That would be super sweet. Just pray. That's all.

In other news....Henry's final adoption date is Friday and I am invited to his celebration lunch afterwards. That's kinda cool. I will know nobody there and probably feel pretty awkward but he's my little buddy....I have to go. I hadn't seen him since Thursday and when I got here today he looked more like a little boy and less like a baby. It made me a little sad. Babies grow up so fast you miss so much if you don't stop and watch! I seriously cannot wait until I have a kid. I want one so bad. I am so ready to be a momma. What a joy!

Ummm....that's all. This is a busy week for Mattie so I wont really see him until Friday night. Ah well.

Babies can be so frustrating. Why cant they just go to sleep when they are tired and their eyes are obviously trying to shut?

Today Matt called this couple from church that we tried hanging out with a couple of times. Without running it by me first, he told the husband we have to hang out again.

This made me angry.

Now let me explain why:

The wife is totally not my type. At all. I know that sounds so shallow. We were all supposed to go play frisbee golf one day....I was all ready and when we get to their apartment she reveals that she hates frisbee golf and in fact doesnt like to be outside at all. She doesnt like baseball. She doesnt like camping. She doesnt like SUNLIGHT. I almost died. Matt has turned me into such an outsider....I cant stand being inside for more than like an hour. I hate the darkness. I love baseball.

I tried to hard to connect with her....I even called her like once a week after that to try and be a better friend. And she never one reached out to me, so I gave up. I figured eh, I gave it a good fight, which is rare for me to do anyways....and now I am having to do it again because Matt called them! Oh I was so annoyed. It's not really that bad but I just.....uuuhhhhhh I dont want to be her friend. I know I am sounding like a 5 year old right now but I am sure we have all had people we felt this way about.

Okay I am done complaining. I am home from Henrys and off tomorrow so YAY!!

Updates...

So Matt now has a part time job working for Primerica, a Citigroup company. It sounds like a good deal, and it came at just the time we were praying so we will see. It's a Robert Kiyosaki (rich dad??) recommended company if you know what I mean. Actually, Matt's trainer had bought the personal coaching sessions with Kiyosaki himself, and Kiyosaki told him if he can't find a Primerica company near him to work for, then he should pack his things and move to where there was one. So he moved to Tulsa, and immediately after met Mattie. We'll see how it rolls. If it all works out how we plan, we should still be well on our way to retiring by the age of 30 and then I am one step closer to having kiddos!

Really all I want to do is have babies and the ability to buy my babies anything I want. And myself. And my husband. And to build my dream house. And to help kids without parents. And help people pay for college. And lots of things.

Henrys been asleep for almost 3 hours...which is nice cause he was real cranky. He should be a happy baby when he wakes up.

One day I'll be saying stuff like this about my own child...until then..you will hear about Henry.

Until further notice..

So Matt and I decided to postpone moving pretty much indefinately. There are just other things right now we need to worry about. We both feel good about our decision.....as much as I want to live near mi familia, it just didn't feel right. Like we were forcing it to happen or something. I feel much better now. Almost relieved. It's weird.

Anyway,....thats the news fornow.

We are family..

Sigh.

I miss my family.

A lot.

It came to my attention this week that Carly and April went shoe shopping. Of all the shoes in the store, Carly picked out bubble-gum pink Dora light up mary janes. April wasn't too keen on them and told Carly to put them back. And she did without complaining. It was just so neat to me to "see" a two year old already learning to sacrifice something she wants without complaining. How amazing! Of course, being the so loving Aunt that I am, I drove all the way to Owasso (its about a 30 min drive), and used 1/4 tank of gas (I was driving the Wrangler, it needs gas like we need water) in search of these shoes. I got them, of course. But thinking about it on the way home I just thought....wow, that is a lot of love I have for somebody. I know I love Mattie and my family a lot but I guess I never realized it. Not that it's some heroic act to drive a little bit to buy some shoes for my favorite neice but I just wanted to. I love her so much I had to get her those shoes. It's just so neat to be able to love somebody! Jesus gave us love in our hears and I want nothing more than to share that love with others. It feels so good to pour love on people.

One of Marys "brothers" from Peru is here in Tulsa for two weeks. His name is Hugo (like Uno but with a g instead of an N). He is SO SWEET. I am in love with this kid. Natrually, he wants Bethany to be his girlfriend but she said no. But he is just the cutest neatest kid I have met in along time. He is always washing grandmas dishes for her, cleaning things for her, he turns all the lights off when he leaves the room, and yesterday he was on the couch reading his little spanish bible and highlighting stuff. It was just neat to see, I guess. I want my boys to be like him. He's so sweet and gentle and giving. Lots of people in south america are like that. Ah me.

Christmas seems like so far away to see my family again. I had a little crying spell last night when I thought about how much I miss them. I miss being able to watch movies with mom and fall asleep in her bed. I want to be able to go play with Carly when I have the time, and to take her places and watch Miffy with her and be not only her aunt, but an influence and a good friend. I want to be near my sister, my 2nd mom, who teaches me thigns and is so honest with me. I want to be near Joel who only knows how to tease me relentlessly. I want to hear my dad say "hey pupster" and jab me in the side with his stubby poky fingers that leave bruises afterwards, (its the equivalent to pawpaws SLAPS on the back). yeah, it hurts. I want to take Carly fimmin in moms pool. I want to be a part of the other babies life. ......
Gah I forgot maclaren and Erica! Maybe living close I will get a sighting of them. I want to be able to laugh with my bubba and get to know Erica more.

We're planning on moving in May but my head keeps telling me it's not going to happen. Something inside is just saying No. Are we forcing it? Are we not listening to God? I want to be near my family more than anything, but I am totally willing to say here if I have to. I don't feel like it's out of Gods will with us planning to move, but I dont necessarily feel like it IS His will either. But does he always reveal it to us when we want? No, he doesn't. Maybe a move to Fayetteville is just a pit stop before the real plan begins. I dunno. I do know what I want to be where my family is. I miss them. I hate being away from them. It's like as soon as I let Jesus into my life and take control and really started to love my family, I moved away. Now i want to go back and give them the love that I never gave....momma always said I would regret not hugging them or sayig I Love you, and I do....

Well, now that I am crying again I am going back to baking cookies. I just had to get this out.

Adoption

Well, I just watched this show on the discovery channel called Adoption Stories, and now I am crying. It was the sweetest thing I have ever seen. This couple adopted twin girls from Korea. It was so neat to see them at the airport waiting for the girls to arrive. THe mom and dad were both just crying so much, and their biological daughter who is 3 1/2 was real worried about them crying. Anyway, I was sitting like a loof on the couch just crying my eyes out thinking about all the orphans in the world who need a Mommy and Daddy. I thought about Henry who was adopted, and Matt's two little sisters and their brother who were adopted. The amount of love these children need....so amazing. I am so inspired now. I want to adopt a child!! What an opportunity we have to extend God's love to other children. Jesus loved the children (all the children of the world..red and yello...nevermind) and wanted them near him. What better way to bring a child near to Jesus than by adopting one and sharing His love with them! You can do this with your own children, but these orphans may never have a chance at all! Gosh, we as Americans are so blessed with all that we have...shoes, clothes, and abundance of food, furniture, people around us that love us so much....and these orphans around the world, they dont even have parents!! Some of these kids that do have parents are no better off because their parents are bozo's. I cant even imagine how Henry's new mom and dad feel about him. Just watching taht show made me feel so honored to he a part of this childs life. I have an opportunity to help him grow and show him love and treat him as I would my own children. The same for Carly and my hopeful nephew, and Matt's little sisters. What a great opportunity Jesus has given all us adults to be examples not only to our adult brothers and sisters but to the children as well.

A new way to clean

I dunno if anybody reads this anymore, but thought I would share my idea anyways..

Whenever I am cleaning, and I find something in the kitchen that goes in the bedroom or somewhere else....I get real distracted putting up the said item. I will take it to the bedroom and that will get me started on cleaning that room, instead of finishing the room I was in.

So this morning I had the brilliant idea to pull out the laundry baskets, and while cleaning if I found something that went in another room, i put it in the designated basket. So now, when I go to clean my bedroom, I just pick up the basket with all the bedroom items and go in there.

It saves me from getting distracted, and it saves matt from coming home to a house that i cleaned but never looks clean...

Please...

Pray for me y'all....that I will have a good attitude towards Matt's mom while I am still living here. I thought I missed her while she was in Peru....turns out, I wish she was gone again.

Bad, huh?

Please though, really pray for my attitude....I want an attitude of love, patience, ......etc etc...all the fruits of the spirit Jojo talked about on her myspace. That would be nice.

Also, I am really stressing about my b-day. 23 just feels so awkward.....such an inbetween age. I am really feeling resistant towards this birthday. I know it's not old but it's like...man..23 years...what have I done? This is the age I always envisioned having kids....who knows...life is so busy right now with work and trying to move and trying to squeeze in some quality time with the hubby at midnight. This birthday feels unimportant, I guess. Mattie will be working, I have to celebrate without him. My family isnt here. Nobody in tulsa even knows its my bday but my fam....I dunno. I am just whining right now but it's weird is all I am trying to say....

Uhhh. My heartburn never stops, never. I believe i suffer from severe acid refulx disease. My esophagus? It's probably damaged beyong belief....

Wow, I am just ramblin away here....

Bah humbug

Nothing like seeing a picture of yourself to make you feel absolutely un-attractive in every way possible.

Henry is trying to crawl. he got 10 times chunkier while I was away. We're talkin rolls on the thighs yall. He's still cute as can be....methinks he is fed too much. Oh well, he aint my child and i shall do as momma says. He's also saying "dadadada" now...so that is exciting. He will be 7 months this week. I will be 23 this week. Insanity. 23 aint old but I am having such a hard time dealing with it....such an awkward age.

Well, I'm off to mope about the horribleness of the picture I just saw of myself.

yes, this post is all about me. but it's my blog and I'll write what I want to.

Rambles..

I've always thought that I wanted to be pregnant by the time I was 23.

That leaves me 8 days to get on it. Ha!

Kids are definately on our mind lately. Even though we really are in no place financially to have a child....but if you wait until that moment arrives, .....can you even do that? How do you know when "Oh by the way, we can now afford a child". I mean you need money for everything, you never know what kind of blow you are going to get dealt ya know? Isn't that part of life, always trying to make money for something else and for today. True our plan is to be financially free in 5 years, and hopefully with Gary's wise ways we can do that. But who wants to wait 5 more years to have a kid? Not I! Not that 28 is old on the least bit, but I will be 28! My kids after I have all 5 of them...will still be at home when I am in my 60s. I don't want that. Shoo flys, dont bother me! I know I am not old at all, but I'm not gettin any younger either. My body already aches when I am bent over too long....it takes about 5 minutes to straighten my legs back out... like I heard them say on Gilmore Girls last night "There's never a great time to be a parent..you just are". I told Matt that after I heard it and all he had to say "so waht does that mean..." and I'm like "duh, that i want a CHILD!"

All this to say I can't wait to be a momma. I can't wait to be an aunt again. I can't wait to be back at Henry's house to play with my little buddy. I can't wait to live near my neice and soon to be (hopefully my) nephew!

We got digital cable yesterday and I discovered a channel made just for me..the Independant Film Channel! Yes! I already dvr'd the movie Amelie. I am so excited about this channel, I imagine I will be recording many a movie as I jsut happen to love independant films more than any others... There's also a channel devoted stricly to love movies! Last night I feasted on The Notebook while Mattie worked on his stock homework...

We're really (or I am) praying that we can somehow get a 2nd car. All we need is a clunker to get us here or there....I even prayed that somebody would just miraculously (sp?) give us a car....seeing as we don't really have money to go buy one...

Well I've written a lot. All pointless chatter....it's okay, it does me good to get it out, and it beats talking to my apartment walls.

Cha-ching!

Well, my prayers were answered....Henry needs me full time now through September. So yay! And Matt got an evening job at Staples workin about 15-20 hours a week so that helps out with our move, too.

I'm here to tell ya God is GOOD!

Lo siento

I'm sorry for all the complaining I've been doing about Matt's mom. It seems like with every person in my life, I go through this season where I notice everything about them that I don't like and just start not liking that person at all. I realize now though that she does what she does because she loves her kids, she doesnt want us to move, etc etc. It's natural for a mom to miss her kids, ya know? So I'm sorry i was complaining so much and making her sound like a monster in law. She really isnt.

On a lighter note, the end of may cannot come fast enough. Right now I am most excited about living close to April. I miss my sister. Plus she needs my help with my nephew (fingers crossed) on the way. Apes I just know you are having a boy, i just know it.

I think mattie and I both found part times jobs to help us save $$ for moving. This way I can still stay with henry but work somewhere else too, so it'll be like I am working full time, just with two different employers. One taxes out my taxes, the other doesnt. That's all.

I am going to be 23 this month. Isnt that weird? I feel like I am 12. Oh well.

home sweet home

At least, I think it's sweet.

I'm real excited to be back in my owm bed. Although I slept exceptionally well on the air bed at Jojo's I was real glad to be in mine. I never realized how firm it was. ....

So yeah, now that we are home I feel terrible. My throat is swollen, more snot than any one person should have, and to top it all of PMS!

ALSO, as soon as we got back, Matt's mom started in about us moving. Apparently she is planning to go to the NC beaches when we move adn we are supposed to go with them. Sorry lady. The reason we are moving is to GET AWAY from them (namely: her) and now they are following us?? She is in major denial, also. She was trying to tell us last night that you can't ever really say "we're moving at this time to this place", um yeah you can, and we did it. End of May, Fayetteville NC. She just keeps making comments about us staying here and about my family moving here to Oklahoma....not gonna happen. At first she tried telling us we cant move because the girls wouldnt be able to handle it emotionally. Sure that stinks but is that my problem?? I mean Matt and I have to do waht is best for US, not his little sisters. When Matt said I do he promised to take of me and my emotions, not me and his two little sisters, right??

Anyway, all the traveling, matts mom and not feeling good made me a big time grouch last night. Poor matt got the butt of it all , too. And now I feel annoyed again cause he wanted to sleep more instead of going to the grocery store to get me medicine. But i agreed to let him sleep so i shouldnt complain, right? Right.

Sadness

Well, so we've basically decided that we want to move back to NC. However this requires me finding a full time job.

I don't watch Henry full time.

You see my delimma? I have been crying all afternoon because I do not want to leave him. I keep praying that his mom will need me full time, that would be awesome. A little pay raise would be nice, also...

Just pray that if Henry doesn't work out, I will find something I enjoy just as much. I just emailed a nanny service (they had no phone number in their ad, just an email...waht is the world coming to!) anyway I emailed the nanny service to ask them some questions.

It just stinks...I love the little stinker so much, I do....but it's my reality if we want to move...

Wedding pics pt. 2

Okay so I cant seem to load these in order...dunno why..

Does this peach with a hemmoriod look familiar?
Carly and Uncle Manny playin with each other after we arrive..
Aunt Spazzy playin with her siblings..
The mountains of NC
We thought these two kudzoo covered trees looked like dinosaurs

Wedding pics part 1

Bear with me...there are gonna be many parts to my wedding pics series. This starts from our trip..
The above pic is this insane storm we had to drive through.
Matt feeling tired from driving
Our pretty sunrise from the morning of our drive
The retarded picnic tables they have at Oklahoma rest stops

Memphis..??

Sooo the wedding is over. Really??

This all seems like a dream...

I had a good but chaotic weekend. I will write more about everything when I'm done processing..

We missed ya, Les!

The time has come

Well, my little bubba gets married this week....

I won't believe it till I see it.

I thought he was still 10 years old with no front teeth. Or even 3 years old wearing his little blue golashes and "muscle shirts" everywhere.....

Where has time gone??

Pics

You can see pics from my latest photography adventure on my photo blog!

Decisions, decisions..

Well, our lease runs out at the end of this month. We would like to move, but seeing as we're gonna be in NC, and we have to make a decision by the 15th of this month, I guess we are staying a little bit longer in our shoebox apartment. They are raising the rent again, but we get a 3% discount since Matt works for OU. Sooo....it's not quite 500 but almost, which is a lot for a small one bedroom apartment. But ya know, it works for what we need right now. We have room to sit, to eat, to sleep....so we are thankful.

Anyway, so this means that we most likely have to sign a 9 month lease. With a 9 month lease our rent will be 475....if we wanted a 6 month it would be 485. 3 Months more is worth saving 10 dollars, I suppose. If we signed a 6 month we would be moving right around Christmas time, which again we will be in NC....sooo, if we sign the 9 month it will be perfect. We'd be moving in March which means cooler weather and could even mean snow in Oklahoma. Anyway, all this to say that we are really praying about where to move after our next lease runs out. Be it to NC or somewhere else in Tulsa. We are real hesitant to sign a year lease because we feel like that is too much time here. We're torn because as much as it would be nice to have a break from Matt's family, we will miss them a lot. And I honestly don't know what Matt's mom would do without us here. THey depend on me and Matt for so much- literally to make decisions for them, to fix things when they are broken....but ya know what? We didn't move here to take care of them. She is a grown woman and needs to learn to be self sufficient. So do the little girls- they are 13 and almost 15 now. It's high time they got off the couch and stopped watching Disney channel and helped their 76 year old granda with THEIR laundry and their dirty dishes and cleaning up their own dang messes.

I really feel we will be leaving Tulsa but it's a feeling and you cant really base much off of those. They trick us a lot.

Keep us in your prayers. 9 months seems like a long time, but it's also no time at all. If we move to another state, we've somehow got to find AFFORDABLE housing plus jobs. Soooooo that's all for now.

A post of value..

Sometimes the people in my life here make me want to pull out my hair.

None of Matt's family can understand or wrap their brains arount the fact that Matt and I are really going to make these stock classes work for us. We didn't pay money for the cd's or the classes to not do it. Nobody believes that we can do this. They reply with a "oh okay well when you become a multi-billionaire remember who your family is". They can't get out of their work mentality. Now I understand that people who haven't taken Gary's classes have a hard time grasping this anyway....but it's like whenever we mention it, they just shoot us down and leave us feeling discouraged thinking we can't do this. This makes Mattie and me want to move to a place where we are surrounded by people with the same ideas as us, and who will support us in our endeavors, not tear us down.

They (read: matts mom and grandmom) have a problem with how we want to raise our children. We had a big discussion the other night about how we want our kids to be self-sufficient when they are teenagers. My parents made us get jobs and pay for our own gas, our car insurance, buy our own clothes, we did our own laundry, we did most of what we needed. Matt's mom .....I dunno where she comes from. She basically said she doesn't agree with that, and because she works with kids with behavior problems she knows all that is best for children. How bout we raise our kids how we want, not how she wants. This also makes me want to move. Like for example...when we were having this discussion, Matt said "Like if my kid comes home saying they are out of gas in their car and have no money for more, I'm not going to give them any money". If they were stranded somewhere, yes, we would help them out. But if they were careless with their money and bought clothes/video games/whatever instead of setting some aside for what they need (gas) we want them to learn their lesson that Mom and Dad aren't always going to be there to help them. When you're on your own and married you can't call on them to pay for your gas can you? Sure we will show them mercy at times, but not every time, that teaches them dependance and taht they always get thier way. Anyway- after Matt said that his Mom says "Well they can come to their grandma and she will buy them gas". It made me so mad we decided to go home. No, my kids will not grow up learning that Gma will do for them what Mom and dad wont. How will they ever learn their lessons?

We are really praying to meet people who support us, or for an opportunity to move somehwere were people do. We just don't think we can stay in Tulsa forever with the mindset his family has. It just drags us down....

I'm in love with another man...

well, a 5 month old boy, that is.

Henry fell asleep on me today. It made me want to cry. He was fussin up a storm so I picked him up, and no sooner than I put his passy in his mouth, his head fell to my shoulder and he was alseep. I didn't think he was ready for a nap seeing as he just woke up a little over an hour ago...I guess our stroll around the neighborhood wore him out.

But just seeing him sleeping on my shoulder was the absolute cutest thing. I wish somebody had been here to take a picture. Made me all that more excited to see Carly in 16 days!!

I live a very blessed life.

Also..new pics are up!

Say it ain't so..

This weekend we celebrate our 2 year wedding anniversary.

I can't believe it's been two whole years! And then I think...it's ONLY been 2 years?

Seems like so long, yet like no time at all.

Our actual 2 years is on Monday, but since we both have to work we are celebrating tomorrow. We're gonna sleep in as late as we want (YES!), have a picnic at the park, relax and read at the park, then later go see United 93 at the DOllar Theater. Doesn't sound like much maybe, but we looooove just chillin at the park. We both love to be outdoors and the park we go to here is AWESOME. So many pretty trees and it's so huge no matter where you sit, you have privacy. ANd we love going to the dollar theater. I dont think we have paid regular price for a movie in forever. Things come to the dollar theater so fast these days it's worth the wait...plus, I can't justify paying 8 bucks for a movie ticket...no movie is ever worth it.

Anyway...Happy anniversary to me! And Mattie!

You've got me feelin' emotions..

Last night while Matt was getting ready for bed I was watching some show on tv...this woman was at her therapist appointment talking about how she is a single mom and is just trying so hard to be there for her kids etc etc....she then started crying and said "I told myself I wouldn't do this" and the therapist says "it's okay to show emotion" and she said "Not to cry....it shows weakness, and that's not good".

It broke my heart to hear that. Why do so many people believe that crying is a form of weakness? It isnt! God gave us these emotions to USE them, not bottle them up and stuff them inside. Crying is just a physical way of letting emotions out. You can't tell me that you don't feel better after a good cry, can you? My mom has always stuffed her tears down and without knowing it she taught me to do that too....then I realized, my tears are coming out for a REASON and just to let myself cry, which I now do on a regular basis. It's a way to show pain, exhaustion, anger, anything. It doesn't mean you are weak.... where do people even get that logic from? I just' dont understand.

I mean did she think her therapist would berate her for crying? Hello she is in THERAPY to help her get a handle on everything, and crying is one of the ways. So what if you cry in a movie! Listen around and you will hear most other people sniffling and crying too. Nobody can see you crying anyway so just get over it. Will your husband think you are weak? Well, I hope not., Mine holds me and lets me snot and cry all over his shirt if necessary. He lets me feel my emotions when I need to.

I just dont get it....

Well, Henry is sound asleep...he is so cute. he put's himself to sleep, its quite amusing. You only have to rock him for like a minute (literally) and he's all ready to go to bed. Just put his little blankie thing on his face and he rubs it on his face and falls asleep...

He had a crazy blowout today. Poop coming out after the diaper was off. Sickness.

I have not been sleeping good at all. I've decided that I suffer from insomnia to a high degree. I just can't sleep for more than a couple hours. Needless to say, I am exhausted.

Only 3 1/2 weeks until the wedding! I am so excited to see my family.

Matt and I have been so busy I feel like I haven't seen him in like 2 weeks...like, literally we finally get to say hey when we are going to bed...and by that point we are so exhausted to the point of falling asleep like as soon as we lay down.

We got a couch and a recliner this weekend! Granted they are 12 year old hand-me-downs from matt's aunt and uncle, but it's still furniture! Now...I want to find a slipcover I like. This upholstery has got to go.

Off to go check on henry and hopefully take a little nap myself...

Henry...

Henry pics are over here......go, behold the cuteness of him NOW!

This is the day...

Today I start my nanny job..well kinda. I guess it's more a trial run to see if I like it. But, I already know that I will because the kid stole my heart from the minute I saw him. Then again, all kids steal my heart.

I'm really just so excited to be invested into a child's life. I have so much love to give, and it's so neat to be able to love somebody else...to help somebody LIVE! Ya know? What a big responsibilty parents have. I mean they are raising a PERSON. A mini you! It's incredible to me and I cannot wait to be a part of that. But in the mean time, I will take on Henry as my little child. Haha...I'm so excited. His parents are strong Christians, so I don't have to worry about our morals clashing or anything, which is really nice.

His mom seems to think Henry likes me because he wouldn't stop staring at me and smiling. My theory is because my eyes are gargantuan and almost all babys cant stop staring at them. I don't think they've ever seen anything bigger than my eyes. Truly, they are big.

Here's some questions I've had lately, that I've been spending lots of time thinking about the answers to:

1) What if I have a son who wants to take ballet? There are some pro's, many cons. He will eternally be made fun of, called gay, etc etc...what do you do?

2). How can you help your child realize the importance of doing absolutley NOTHING with your boyfriend/girlfriend before you are married. Heck, now I wish I didn't even hold hands with anybody ...but I did. How can you prevent your children from making the same mistakes you did? I can't imagine how my parents must have felt when they found out things about me that I never wanted them to know...how heartbreaking. I mean you can't go sit in on all your childs dates and critique every move they make. Wether you won't allow them to date, kids are still going to find a way to do what they want to do. Such a tough thing, parenting. I can't wait.

Leslie, those pics of Josiah going to Moms day out were so cute! Made my eyes water up. What a big day for him and how exciting it must have been! Plus-- play-doh!!! Awesome!!

Well...I'm off!

new blog

i started a photo blog to post pics I have taken on there so I can leave this to other stuff...there is a link to it in my profile. I hope you like them! here's a link to it also: my photos

Workin 9-5...

...What a way to make a livin...

Well, Amy (who I interviewed with) called me today and she wants me to nanny her son! I had originally asked for 10 dollars an hour, but I told her anywhere from 8-10 would be fine. She is offering 8, which isn't too bad for just one kid who basically sleeps most of the day. I am really excited though!! I start next week with just one day a week because I will be gone so much this summer and then when all my trips wind down I will go to 2 1/2 days a week. And she will pay me the same wether I work 2 1/2 days or less a week so that is nice...just a set paycheck every week so we can count on the dinero. Soooo that is really exciting. I can't wait to post a pic of Henry so you all can see how absolutely adorable he is!!

Also....I have been extremely frustrated with shopping for an outfit for the wedding. I had gotten a skirt and some flip flops to wear but I just couldn't find a top...I decided to try super target again and found this super sexy black dress that looks dern good on me if I must say so, and some little strappy black HEELS. Gasp now...I have only worn heels once in my life, and that was at aprils wedding....and i attribute those to part of my near fainting and falling off the alter....

Anyway, matt sure liked the outfit ....I assume so with the "whooo baby" he let out, and I felt good in it so YAY. Now I have something for rehearsal dinner AND the wedding. Thanks to mi madre for buying it!

Dinna time!

Well, since I'm bascially the only woerner not within 100 miles of the all the other Woerners, I hear most of the news last......which is why I was basically in mourning all day monday to find out Meemaw and Pawpaw sold their house!!

Nobody asked my permission?!!

I seriously just layed on my bed for forever just feeling so sad about it.....I didn't even feel like that when we moved the 3 times my family moved. I mean gosh all the memories I have from their house.."ice skating" on that random tile patch in the basement (which she covered up..WHY!!), our cousin sleep-overs after family reunion....that mini fake pool table she had that Jase and Richard played catch with the balls instead and one of them nailed me right in the eye..us girls crimping each others hair..I remember the adults making us stay in the basement, with the 500878784777309 christmas presents until THEY were ready to open them. They should've made us stay upstairs where we weren't tempted to open them all night long. Oh man just so many fond memories...most of them at christmastime but still....who would've thought that when I was down this past Christmas would be my last one there? If I knew I could've at least said goodbye to the old place....

Oh well. Now my Christmas memories are made at Mom and Dads's house, surrounded by the next generation of Oglesbys/hawbakers/loerkes.....in a couple years we'll all have our own kids that we're sending to the basement to play with the presents while us adults get a break.

Oh life never stops changing. Change may be one of the things I resist most in my life...I hate change. I do not do well around it. My body goes crazy, my emotions get out of wack....really, I mean it took me like 2 months to get over the change of living here in Oklahoma...very far away from my family...no friends here, not knowing where to go or how to get around....

Anyway....Matt's mom works very closely with the woman who interviewed me to nanny her son and she told Mom that she wants to hire me. I am so excited because her kid...oh mygosh he is THE CUTEST THING ever. Carly, to me, is also the cutest thing ever....and so are Leslie and Jojo's kids.....heck, all kids are the cutest things ever to me....but Henry, this baby oh man he stole my heart the minute I saw him. I can't even imagine how I will feel when I have my own child in my arms....

Well....enough for one day.

Weekend...

Well I dont know what I did to make the pics not line up but oh well.....

We went to a lavender festival this weekend ....it was at a lavender farm/grape vineyard....and obviously, these are the pics I took.....it was fun, and it smelled WONDERFUL because of all the lavender that was there.....

Tomorrow I interview for a nanny position....I really hope it works out cause then I can get new glasses!!! Finally.........contacts give me the hardest time, so it's glasses for me until I can get lasik surgery.....and I've been wearing these glasses since I was 19 so I think it's time for some newbies.

Well.....off to wash dishes or something..

I love Matt's momma dearly, but she keeps making plans for me and the little girls w/o asking me, and it is driving me crazy!

We can talk to Mary in peru over IM, so I signed on the other day to see if she was online --she wasn't, but Becka (the youngest sister) was. She then IM's me and says "Are we still going to the pool today?"

I was scratching my brain trying to remember when I ever said I would take them to the pool....so I told her...Becka, I never said we would. And she then replies with "Well Mom said if we got done with our stuff you could take us to the pool". I told her to tell Momma that next time she wants to make plans with me she can ask me first.

I have told that to Momma's face too. I mean, she will sit there in front of me and say to the girls "maybe amy can take you to so and so's house or to this place" and I interrupt with "Maybe you can ask Amy before you just go and make plans for her".....

I mean honestly....how hard can it be to just ASK me? I'll most likely say yes because I have nothing else to do. It just drives me crazy sometimes.

Matt is seriously considering going to real estate school and getting his realtors liscense. I think he could sell a house to dead dog, sooo yeah...I think he will be good at it. THe man on the phone told him that most 1st year realtors start out "not making much..only 40 or 50,000 a year"....we were like...well that's double what we make so bring it on! I'm sure you can make less than that or more but so what. We're just tired of this whole mindset everybody has of....gotta get a job, gotta make good money. Where's the fun in that? All that Matt and I want to know is how can we make enough money to retire before we're 30? Does nobody else want that? I just dont understand.

I'm just rambling today.....

Mary Poppins?

Well, as we all know I've been looking for a job to no avail...I've really been wanting to find a nanny job, because if you talk to me for one second you know I love the kiddos....so I called this nanny agency and they didn't call me back, and now their ad is out of the paper.....then Matt's mom tells me that one of the doctors she works with is looking for somebody to watch her 4 month old boy....PLEASE PICK ME! I told her to tell her I was looking for something, sooo...she called me yesterday to kind of interview me and then Monday I'm going to go to her house and meet her and Henry (the baby). I would be watching him probably 2 1/2 days a week but that is perfect for what I want so...praise God that my prayers for a job are being answered! Now I pray that she will pay what I want.


Oh yeah...on June 26th I wil have been married for 2 years!!! Wow time is flying by!

These little fellas live in our apartment complex. We have big retention ponds everywhere (like a hole dug in the earth to hold water) because it floods real bad. Whenever we get a good rain, puddles of water form in the retention pond and the ducks come to play. They were sleeping under this tree all day and so I went to take a pic of them and of course they started moving. There is also a brown Momma duck with a little tiny baby duck that follows it everywhere. I tried getting a pic of them, but they were actually faster than I was and ran away....the pic was too far away sooooo....

I have a problem. It's like, I really want to make friends, and I have some girls I can call and hang out with but when it comes right down to it i just don't want to. I am notorious for backing out of dinners and things.....it's like I want friendships and then I end up like sabotoging (sp?) the friendships that I do have. Why?? It's like I'm really extroverted and really introverted at the same time. But whatever....I did go out on a limb and invite a couple over for dinner Thursday night and then go see a movie. I can handle that.

We had a yard sale this weekend. It was rather successful, as far as yard sales goes. I mean they are hit or miss, and ours was a hit, so that's nice.

Well laundry has been awaiting me for 2 days now...perhaps I should put it up..

Greed

The next installment of my "artwork" that I like to call "Greed" ......that's all for today..

....randomness...

"Satisfaction"

That is what I titled the picture. I decided to start titling my "work"...perhaps I will do a whole series of satisfactions....hmmm....if only I could find a way to sell my pics that would be awesome. If I was more well known, I could sell that above pic for 50 bucks at the minimum. OUr church had an auction and a guy was selling his picture of a tree in a field for 600 dollars. Come on, I can do that. Easy. I really love taking pictures of things. Do many people take a bite out of their sandwich and think "wow what a cool composition?" I don't think so. I really think I could do this if I knew what door to put my foot in. Everywhere I go I see pictures in my mind, I really do. It's weird but I'm always like...dang I wish I had my camera right now. Thankfully I now have a digital, but I now want a bigger purse so that it's easier to carry around..........I love purses almost as much as photography.

I called about 2 jobs today. One as a nanny and one working at a Chiropractors office. Apparently the Nanny place was already closed before 4, and the Chrio place couldn't get ahold of the lady I needed to talk to. So, I left messages at both knowing I probably wont get a call back. But alas, the search continues. Oh yeah, I did see this ad in the classifieds for "researchparticipants.com"...apparently companies get them to hire people to test out products and fill out all sorts of papers on them before they hit the market or something. Kinda like market research. ANyhoo, it pays $12.50 an hour, and there will be one in Tulsa June 1st and 2nd. The days last from 7 am to 7pm, but for 12.50 an hour to test a product I think I can handle that. I went to the website and everything and it looked legit to me, so we will see. I mean they make you fill out a w-2/tax forms and a payroll company pays you so it sounds okay to me...matt and I are hoping it works out because that would fund our trip to St. Louis the first weekend of July....and we reaaaaally want to go to st. louis. So there..

I feel like I am going to hurl. It's not a good feeling.

In high school, Matt played football and participated on the school's weightlifting team. He basically broke his back trying to lift almost 600 pounds (yes I mean to have 2 zeros..). He hurt is back pretty bad and the injury keeps coming back to haunt him every 6-8 months or so. So, he is taking off work today and the rest of the week to rest his back. He is feeling really guilty because these 3 days are coming out of his vacation time which in turn cuts the time with my family short. I'm a little sad about it but I want his back to be okay. He basically lost his last job because of his back sooo...we don't want that happening again.

Please pray that I can find a job that I will enjoy, and also for Matt to find something less strenuous on his back. That would really be nice.

Who's ready for the Lost season finale??! I am!

2 down, tons more to go

Well, my precious little neice is gonna be 2 years old on Saturday. I can't even believe it....It's seems like just yesterday she was this little:
I am loving her being "grown up" now because she keeps calling me and it is hilarious to talk to her. She called today and kept giggling and saying "I know, I know". It was so funny....and she sounded just like April. I cant wait to have a little cousin for Carly to play with, boss around, all the things that the oldest child does...

I am sick as a dog this week. Some kinda bug is going around...I must have gotten it from Matt's little sisters, who got it from their ballet/gymnastics friends. It's not fun, I can say that.

I might not be going to Peru afterall. It turns out mary has to have her wedding later than planned and if I am planning on getting a job I dont want to have to take off time for most of July and then again in august. SO we will see. Matt's mom was trying to make me feel guilty about it last night but I told her just to get over it and that Mary will getmarried whether I am there or not. I told Matt last night I have had my fill of his family, and now I want a good dose of my family. If only you all didn't live in stupid Fayettevile....I hate that town. It traps you in. It weighs you down. I just dont like it.

But I want to be near my family, so I am praying that we can move back haha! Only praying so dont get your hopes up, Ape. We will see and do whatever God wants soooo.....

Matt is coming home for lunch, perhaps I should change out of my pj's............nah, I'm sick, your allowed to be a bum.

Pest control

So there I am, sitting in the rocking chair, in my pj's (which consist of Matt's boxers and one of my dads huge tshirts), chowing down on Lucky Charms and watching Will & Grace that I taped last night....when I hear a knock on the door. My heart immediately starts racing. Who could it be? We will not find out,. Instead we will go in the closet where there are no windows for people to see me in the house. (I normally do hide when somebody knocks ont he door, ever since I was a kid I have this HUGE fear of getting kidnapped). They knock again. I am panic stricken and can't move....

....a third knock. And then I hear the door unlock and open. THe security alarm starts beeping and I hear these 2 words..."Pest Control!".

OH Yes. I forgot we had found a spider the size of my head and called for pest control to come spray.

Crap, I'm in my pj's, the house is a wreck, and the alarm is going off. I threw on my robe and ran out there to let him in....

I was thoroughly thoroughly embarrassed. I don't know which was worse- that I wasn't dressed or that the apartment was a wreck. We're talking unfolded laundry, shopping bags strewn about, I HADN'T EVEN FLUSHED THE TOILET YET FROM USING THE BATHROOM LAST NIGHT.........

So I learned 2 valuable lessons today"
1) upon rolling out of bed, put on clothes and deoderant immediately.
2). I have no excuse for not keeping the house clean, and I don't want that to happen again, so I will from this day forward, keep my place spotless.........mark my words, they might not hold up next week.

I'm a travelin' man..

So there's a good chance I (like 90%) that I will be in Peru for a week this summer! I'm so excited...I've never been out of the country (except for to west virginia, and alabama counts too because it's so different from any other state)

I'll be going in July, which means July is a buuuusy month for me. July 1-3 or around there we will hopefully be in St.Louis for our first ever honeymoon, then the 12-20something we will be in NC, then if all works out for Peru I will be leaving on the 30th or 31st of July...coming back after August 5th.

Matts sister is getting married in peru on august 5th, and his mom really wants to be there, and she also really wants me to go with her. I told her if she wants to pay for it I will go haha, so she has some friends who work for american airlines who can get round trip tickets for about 450 a peice which is phenominal for going out of the country!

Finally a stamp in my passport....hopefully!!

My weekend in pictures..

We relaxed at the park... I loved this grass.
Matt took this picture, I thought it was cool.
We ended up sitting the same way on the blanket.

I have more to upload but blogger wont do it anymore, so this is all for now...

"Ya hear that? It's the winds of change..."

Well, so the deal is this:
If Mattie and I want to never have kids, rent a one bedroom apartment our whole lives, and be fine with our nice little lifesytle forever and ever amen, then we are set.

But we don't want that anymore. There is no way to have kids on Matt's salary. There is no way to get a house, or a bigger apartment. We cannot move up, at all, on his salary.

So what do we do? We've been praying lately about having kids, and we feel like we're ready. We want to. ( I KNOW!!!!). BUT how crowded will it be with Me, Mattie and a child in 725 sq. feet? Very. Matt's got a great job great benefits, 5 stinkin weeks of vacation a year (!!!) but really no chance for a raise other than 20 cents here or there....

So we're formulating a plan. We're looking into real estate investments. THe only way to move up is to try, right? We're thinkin about buying a duplex and renting out the other side, which would take care of the mortgage payment (cause you can rent a duplex for 650-700 easy here in tulsa). We would then have room and more financial freedom to have a little kid or two (or three or four...)... So we're reading books, we're talking to people, we're gonna make this work.

Yes, I could go get a job, but we both would only want me to work part time because I do so much here at the apartment, I study my stocks, I help drive the munchkins around for Grandma, ...I'm a busy girl. It's not like I sit here and watch soaps all day. (though I have been guilty of it a time or two). Plus, what would a part time job, with my minimal qualifications with no college degree get me? A retail job, selling shoes making minimum wage. Oh wait, I did that for 2 years.

So, all this to say,please pray for us. We are ready for a transition. We're ready to move, we're ready to have kids, but we cant just sit here and expect God to give us all that we need, we also have to help make it work. Pray for wisdom, knowledge, cooperative people, good attitudes, a healthy baby and pregnancy (when it comes)....etc etc...

I'm ready!

----- a little later after I posted this:
I feel I should say, this does not mean that we are currently trying to have a child. . And also, since I posted this, we've talked more about me getting a job. The thing is, getting the right one. There is one I am considering applying for, but you can keep that in your prayers as well. That if there is a job for me, I would find it, and Love it, etc etc

Hey good lookin, watcha got cookin?

I can't really figure this picture thing out...I took this little one of the flowers earlier today. I love my hubby cause he knows how much I love taking pics so he will take me anywhere I wanna go to do just that! He even says we can stop on the side of the road if I have to...

And I thought he looked pretty darn good in this pic, so I figured I'd show him off to the world. He's lost 25 pounds since February and he's bulking up with muscle again. Of course, I always thought he looked good but ya know, the musclier the better. Haha only kidding....just wanted to brag on my good lookin hubby.
I hope my little boys look like him!

I've been bit...

Yes...I've been bit by the baby bug. Don't these little shoes make you want one too? Sorry for the visible fuzz on there....oh well. The shoes are still the cutest little things I've seen in a long time...and yes, they are for Carly. Don't get excited thinking I've bought them for my own child, cause we've already worked it out that we're having boys first (and by saying that, I'm automatically sealing my fate that I will now have 10 girls....ah well, a kid is a kid right? haha)

.....

I experienced a lot of heartache growing up, watching my dad suffer with diabetes. Others may not think it's that big a deal, but I'm a sensitive girl, and you haven't seen what I have. Anyways, I just cant shake the feeling that I need to just get it all out there but I just don't know how..... I've cried many a times over it but how do you deal? You can't just erase images of your dad having a seizure. You can't erase the memory of waking up in the middle of the night because ambulance lights are shining in your bedroom. You can't erase the pain you see on your mom, brother, sister and even your dad's face after something like that happens. You don't forget the feeling you get when you walk into the room to see your dad staggering around asking if you know whether he took his shot or not...and then knowing you don't have the strength to handle his low sugar, you run to your mom for help. You can't forget the fear that wells up inside when your mom goes out of town and leaves you to deal with your dad in case something should happen. You can't erase the anger you feel when you call 911 to get an ambulance and have the dispatcher tell you to just relax. You can't forget the times when your mom would send you to your friends house down the street while your mom had to call the ambulance. You also can't forget coming home that night and seeing your dad actually taped to the floor to help keep him still for the paramedics. You can't forget the worry you feel when your dad goes out of town w/o somebody who can handle diabetes- or the relief you feel when he comes home safely. You cant erase the images of your dad sticking himself with insulin 3 or more times a day, and seeing him grimace while he does so. You can't forget the times you think daddy is playing around dancing and your mom tells you his sugar is actually low and to go to your room so she can help him. You can't forget the time he took us bike riding and fell of his bike and had a seizure on the side of the street about a half a mile away from home. You can't forget the scene of your little 5 year old brother riding away on his bike to go get your mom, with your sister following behind to make sure your brother gets there. You can't forget the feeling of fear being left alone, at 7 years old, on the side of the street telling the worried neighbor to get honey or milk or something sugary for your dad to help him.You can't forget the times after your dad is better and he scoops you up in his lap and holds you and tells you he loves you and how sorry he was for scaring us. You can't bring back all the times you were mean to your dad, disrepsectful, downright rude- and change them. You can't go back in time and give him more hugs, and wish you told more that you loved him. You just can't change it, you can't forget it.....but how do you deal?
The first time I told my dad I loved him, w/o him saying it first, was on Fathers Day 2004. I can't believe it took me 20 years to say it...
I love my daddy. I miss him bunches. I wish he could be cured.....and I can't wait for him to be in Heaven, his true home, where he will be diabetes free and running around worshipping his Maker!


I know I've blogged about diabetes before, but this felt more like a journal entry, something personal to me but I wanted to share it anyways. Kinda helps for healing, I guess.

Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away..

( I love the Beatles!)

So I actually had a real good time with Matt's mom and 2 youngest sisters yesterday. Thanks for praying guys! I had mega patience, a good attitude, and I wasn't even grumpy! (I had to get up at 4:30 am) We laughed a lot and just had lots of fun.....

apology

Soo...I fear my last post was a little over dramatic. What the person said to me actually wasn't that big of a deal and I just made it that way- the very thing I am always saying drives me crazy about that person.

Yes, It's Matt's mom.

I need prayer guys- I just can't seem to like his family lately. I mean i love them to death but lately I just can't stand to be around them.

I have this thing where I see characteristics in people that I don't want to have in myself, and the more I notice this character trait the more I don't like/want to be around this person...

So, sorry for all that guys. I guess I'm the one with the character trait that needs adjusting. What happened to unconditional love, anyway?

Also, I want to apologize for whatever I said about Erica and Timmy a few months back. I've since then gotten to know erica a lot better and I really like her alot. She probably isn't the person that I would have picked for my brother- but where does it say that a sister gets to pick her brothers wife? Nowhere. Plus, she loves my bubba and he loves her and I think they will have a good time together. So sorry for all of that too.

But please pray for me. Tomorrow I am going to Oklahoma City with Matt's mom and youngest sister for her Gymnastics Meet- this is going to be an all day affair and I am going to need a lot of patience, especially with the mother in law.

Ranting..

I hate it when people act like I know nothing about diabetes while they fully know that I do, in fact, know stuff about it.

I lived with a diabetic for 20 years- I think I know what it does, how it affects somebody, what it can do...etc etc...

So don't tell me I don't know anything about it. And don't laugh at me when I talk about it either. And don't try to imitate a seizure. It's really not funny, and it makes me want to punch you.

Just because you're a nurse doesn't give you license to dismiss what I say. Of course, myself living with a diabetic doesn't make the the yoda of diabetes, but I think it's safe to say I know a good deal about it.

You go make a 911 call, you watch your dad inject himself with insulin 3 times I day, you come home from school and have your dad call you a name that isn't yours and know that his sugar is low again, you experience the pain and heartache of seeing your dad have a seizure and know there's really nothing you can do about it. You watch him lose feeling in his feet, you watch him have multiple eye surgerys, you go worry every time he gets sick, or every time your mom leaves the house and fear that something will happen with your dad that you dont have the strength to handle.......

go do all that then you can tell me you know what it's like.

I cant say it to their face, so I had to say it here. Sorry, guys.

TV update..

Thanks for the encouragement Les and Jojo...

matt confessed he wasnt too excited about tv fasting, since we only watch a combined 4 hours a week....well, he does anyways. I usually have tv on while he is at work so I can have background noise..

But we totally forgot about the fast thing and watched Cast Away last night....and I've had the tv on all day because we have had crazy sever storms and I had to know if I needed to take shelter from a tornado (yes, I could have used the radio but we dont even have a cd player- we just use the computer) Soooo......

I really do want to break my tv habit though. I find I watch it a lot when I am bored or matt is studying his stocks....I really truly want to make better use of my time. So pray that I can kick the tv habit cause I soo want/need to!!

"Turn it off it"

That's what my sister used to tell my parents to do when the sun was too bright...she wanted them to turn it off. No, I don't remember her saying that but my parents have told us..

But right now I'm not talking about the sun.....next week is National Turn Your TV Off week....which gives it away- you're supposed to turn your tv off for a week and the result is spending more time with your family.

Matt and I are gonna give it a try...it seems like every night there is something we want to watch but none of it enriches our lives (maybe Lost does...haha) or makes us feel closer to each other (besides the fact we have no couch and both have to share our big blue chair).....

Anyway, I think it will be good for us.

Sticks and stones may break my bones..

but words can never hurt me.

I never understood what this meant growing up....

What a phrase! Who coined this thing? I have never heard more untruth (is that a word?) in my life!

I was watching Oprah yesterday about "Schools in crisis" and this little girl was saying how she had told her teacher she wanted to be a plastic surgeon when she grew and her teacher responded "Girl you aint never gonna be a plastic surgeon, you're dumber than a bump on a log". I immediately started crying when I heard that- how sad! How can you crush a young childs dream like that! It reminded me of a time in 2nd grade when I answered a question in class incorrectly and my teacher said "No amy. Use some common sense, or dont you have any?". I will never forget those words- they hurt me deeply. My teacher essentially told me I was stupid.

All this has gotten me thinking about the words that come out of my mouth. Not just to children but to everybody. Words and actions are the most powerful forms of communication we have- let's choose to display words of love! THe Lord commands us to anyway...Words can make or break somebodys day, somebodys outlook on themself, somebodys confidence...everything. Words can be life altering....so let's just think about the words we say before we say them!

"Be righteous!"

Growing up, whenever Mom would drop us off anywhere, or whenever we would leave the house, the last thing she would say to us was always "Be righteous!" I always blew this off not taking these words to heart.....


And now here I am, 22 years old, and I find myself telling the munchkins (Matts 2 youngest sisters) to be righteous whenever I drop them off somewhere., They just laugh and look at me funny the same why I did my momma.

And then today I was talking to Mom on the phone and upon saying our goodbyes she said "be righteous!" and I guess I finally listened.

What powerful words that my mom gave me to live by. Live righteously. How hard to do that! Every day is a struggle to act like Christ. ...I stub my toe, I say the "s" word, I eat too much, I act lazy, I grumble and complain about what I dont have when I know that I do have everything I need....

In my teen years I swore to not be like my mom when I am a mother.... but more and more ways I am finding out how great a Momma she was/is. I only hope I can relay words like that to my kids...yelling "be righteous!" when they get out of the car, or telling them "Emmanuel!" ....

This is probably going nowhere but it means something to me...

Momma, even though you dont read this, I love you and you are the best Momma I could have ever asked for! Oh...and I miss you!

Another go round..

Well, I got carried away with my other blog and decided to start over- and this time to post meaningful things. I want to share things I am growing, things I am struggling with, answers to prayer, etc etc.....

So, we'll start with something I learned/observed today:

Well, while sittin on the john (I know, gross) I had nothing but time to kill, so i decided to catch up on my "reading the Bible in a year' plan (which is really sad that I just started last week and I'm already playing catch up)...anyways, I started with Luke chapter 1...and now here I am, stunned.
Okay, so Gabriel the angel came to see Mary, and he told her this:
"Do not be afraid Mary, for you have found favor with God. And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall name him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High; and the Lord God will give him the throne of His father David; and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and His kingdom will have no end."
So he basically tells Mary...look Lady, your son is JESUS! THE SON OF GOD! HE'S GONNA BE PRETTY AWESOME!
And what does she have to say in reply (this is what kills me) " How can this be, since I am a virgin?"
Not "come again? Did you say I am giving birth to the Son of God?" Not "Excuse me, did you really just say that?" Or not even "Pinch me, I must be dreaming".....no, her only concern was how the junk could she be pregnant if she hasnt even.....you know..........
I love that! She just totally trusts God and takes Gabriels words to heart, and really is only concerned about being a virgin for like a split second.
What incredible faith she had! To top it off, she was only like .....a teenager. Amazing.
Oh to have faith the size of a mustard seed......!!