Room for improvement

Lately I've been doing something...weird. It's like I am able to step outside myself and examine all my thoughts and actions, etc etc. I don't know how to explain it. It's like I'm here, but I'm also out there, watching the me who is here. What' bothers me most about this is that the me who is outside watching doesn't like the me that it is watching. I've noticed lately how angry I am. I've also found myself thinking thoughts that, in my own opinion, I don't normally think. For example, the other night we had some friends over for dinner. We've been friends with them for maybe a month and half. I like them a lot, but over dinner they revealed that they are moving to Kansas City in August, I feel like normally I would have been thinking "Awww man, just when we make some friends they go and leave us", but instead I thought "Eh...well, why get close?" And then right after I thought that, I thought "Who ARE you? Why are you thinking this way?" It's like I have been carrying on a constant conversation with myself...It's almost like I feel pretty much dis-attached (is that a word) from pretty much everybody except for Matt and Henry. And my family. And then not even my whole family.
I don't know.
I don't like myself.
I don't like my body.
I don't like much anymore.
I don't want to take medicine for this.
I want to think happy thoughts.
I want to get off the couch and exercise.
I want to not be so tired all the time.
I want to have better control of my spending habits.
I want to eat healthier.
I want to be different than who I am.

There are no words.

Welcome to the jungle

Upon arrival of my 24th birthday, I started thinking about my life and evaluating my actions, who I am, what am I doing...
and I decided that I wasn't really acting like an adult. Or, thats the best I could come up with anyway.
I look back on our past two years here...and most of them have been spent at Grandma Ruthies house, eating dinner, watching tv, running around with Matt's mom....seeing Matt's family more than seeing Matt. We started bickering about EVERYTHING and stopped hanging out in the bedroom near as much (if ya know what I mean.)
So, this last month, Matt and I decided that we would go to Grandma's no more. We will go say hey every now and then, but no more eating there, staying all night, etc etc..
And can I just say how much our marraige has changed in the past two weeks since we havent been over there? I mean, I am coming home from work..Cooking dinner, we are eating together at our table, Matt is helping me wash dishes, I am keeping the apartment clean, we are HANGING OUT TOGETHER and we havnet bickered once I dont think!!
I feel like we were so...dependent on Grandma and matts mom without even knowing it. And now I feel free and I dont even want to go over there. I love my life with my husband, I love sitting by him on the couch and dreaming with him, cooking him dinner and ironing his EMSA uniforms...
This whole housewife/adult jungle is different from the jungle I allowed myself to be in these past two years...but I love it. its a much more relaxing place to be.

Drama drama drama

I always joke that when I became a Loerke, I inhereted the gene that calls for any and all form of drama to enter my life. I dont think my life was so eventful when I was just an Oglesby. But here in Tulsa, there is some dramatic event happening to us Loerkes every day. Mostly it deals with Matts mom and sisters, but this week the drama bug has landed upon me.

It started yesterday, the first day of my job. I am in the Frog class, which is next door to the Turtle class. My darling Henry is in the Turtle class, and the Frogs and Turtles do lots of activities together. So...Yesterday we took the Frogs to the commons (the play pit in the middle of all the toddler classes) and I look over at the Frog class to see Henry looking at me out the little window on the bottom half of the door. I froze....I didn't know what to do, because I knew if he got near me, he wouldnt leave my side, and I wanted him to have fun at school and make friends. And before I could stop myself, i felt my arm raising and begin waving at Henry. His eyes got real big and he just started wailing!! So i went over there and rubbed his head and said hey and he just cried and cried and reached for me going "Aymuh!!". His teacher said I could pick him up, since they were coming to play with us anyway. Well, when playtime was over it was time for the kids to line up at the door to their classroom, and Henry went to my door. I told him it was time to go to his room and that I would see him later....so he reluctantly went, sobbing the whole way. About 2 minutes later his teacher came in and asked if we wanted to trade Kate for Henry because he was just beside himself without me. So we traded and he cried basically the whole rest of the day whenever I tried to put him down and coach him to play, he held onto my neck so tight....poor Henry. I just love that kid so much.

So today they call me and ask if I can come in early and sub for a teacher, i say sure I will be there after i get my TB test read. SO I make a sandwich for the car and on my way out of the apartment parking lot, my sandwich starts to fall apart..so instead of watching the road I am fixing my sandwich and drive right up onto a big curb and pop a hole in my tire the size of a nickel and bend the rim really bad. I have to call work say..sorry, i wrecked myself, cant come in. Matt had to ocme get me so I could ahve my tb test read before 11 ..........

Drama drama.

Hi ho, hi ho, off to work I go..

Well, drumroll please...I got a job today!!

I will be working at Riverfield Country Day School as a part time teacher in the 1-3 year old classes. They have 4 classes, so I think I will be be in two of them. There are 22 teachers for these kids alone, so I have many chances to be a substitute also. I think this job is right down my ally! I am pretty much decided on getting my bachelors in Early Childhood Development, and hopefully being a preschool teacher or something, I just looove love love little kids! I think they like me too. I mean, i went in the Frog class to meet the teachers I will be working with, and this kid walked right up to me and held his hands out for me to hold him. That happens to me a lot with kids. Some people just attract them, I guess I am one of those people.

Anyhow, I will get to work this job and still get to nanny Henry on Tuesdays which I am so glad about! He is my buddy and I just love him so much! Yesterday he asked me to snuggle with him..so cute. He address me for every request (read: demand) that he is. All day yesterday it was "Amy, big jump" "Amy, chair" "Amy, draw"...Amy, milk. Amy juice. Amy AMy Amy. It's actualy more like Aymuh. I love Henry!!!

Tonight is Bethanys 16th bday and we are celebrating at The Cheesecake Factory! I have never been, and it just opened in Tulsa, so I am excited for some of that!

Mattie has a sinus, ear and bladder infection. Pobre sito!!

Well, I ended up with tickets to the PGA for Saturday so that was real exciting!!

Friday we are leaving for Alabama!!! I cant wait to see everybody- but especially my beautyful nieces and sister!!!!!!! This is my bday present from Mattie. He loves me.

I am looking forward to the Woerner-Q. (thats bar-b-q). Cant wait to see my cousins and get to know yall better!! And talk face to face instead of facebook to facebook. He he.

I just cleaned out every cabinet in Grandma ruthies kitchen. It was the filthiest kitchen i have ever laid eyes on.

The End.

Sea-don't

I rode a sea-doo for the first time in my life on Saturday. I never want to ride one again. My entire body is sore, I had a panic attack, and seriously thought about bailing and swimming back the half mile to the marina. that's how much i didn't like it.

On another note, we are hopefully going to Anniston for labor day weekend. My mattie hasn't even Met olivia yet, and hasn't seen Carly since october, so he is really wanting to do. Any donations to the gas fund are welcome. Hehe, i am kidding.

Nothing is new here in Oklahoma. The PGA Championship is here this week, and I so wish I had a ticket, but i dont think I will miss sitting int he 100 degree weather. The heat came just in time for all the out of towners to see what OK really as like. We've had a pretty mild summer until last week. Now this week we are looking at th 100's, with heat indexes of about 115. YIKES! Thank God for water bottles to mist yourself with, eh?

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow

Well..Tomorrow my deary deary sister is moving 14 hours closer to me!

Woohoo!!!

Birfday Smirfday

In North Carolina, people say "birfday" instead of "birthday". That has always drived me crazy.

Next month I will turn 24. I go to the computer and look at all the beautiful North Face jackets that cost way too much, or the 200+ dollar camera lenses that would be so awesome to have, or a good tripod for my camera....and make a mental list of what I want for my birthday.

And then my mother in law asks me what I want, and I can't think of anything. Why? I come to the conclusion that I have everything I need. I have an AMPLE amount of blankets for the cold, I have shoes and clothes spilling out of my closet, I have food in my fridge, and oscilliating fans for when my apartment gets too hot. I have some great friends here in Tulsa. I have tickets to go see Counting Crows next month, my favorite person April is moving to Alabama this week.........I have no complaints.

I guess I think this...why do we have to want stuff for our birthday? There is always going to be things I want, like that beautiful North Face Windwall 1 jacket, or the Canon 70mm-200mm lens....but if the money were in my hand, and I got to spend with it how I choose, i probably wouldn't buy either of those things. I'd probably stick it in the offering basket at church. Everytime money comes in my hands I want to give it away. Matt tells me there is a time to keep it to help with things, but I always hate that. I always want to give it back. I'm not saying this so that it looks like I am a person who gives all the time, or am trying brag...I'm just saying is all.

SO what do I want for my birthday? A job, that would be great. A nice evening spent with Matt. Some Vanilla Blue Belle's with Candy Corns and some Carrot Cake with Cream Cheese icing.






And that north face jacket.

My Oklahoma Family

My Oklahoma Momma, Gma and Sisters, and brother...and husband...



Me and Becka, she just turned 14


My newest brother Dani and Mary mi hermana


My Okie Dokie Momma and Gma, the greatest cook ever!!

Our new scooter

This thing is lots of fun to ride!!! Wheee!!

So, today we are selling Matts car to the Toyota dealership. They offered us 5,000, which is right at blue book value, so I guess that's pretty good. We're gonna go pick out a scooter this week. We pretty much have one in mind, but we also want one that can handle both of us on the Interstate ...because these puppies get anywhere between 60-80 miles a gallon. And it's about 5-600 miles to Anniston. Which means we will use maybe 20 gallons of gas...which means it will cost us only about 60 bucks- round trip. Versus the close to 200 it would cost us before. Can we say nice? I think so. The only prob is scooters and motorcycles aren't allowed on the Turnpikes here, and we have to take the turnpike to get out of Tulsa...but we'll figure it out. So we are hoping for a visit to the Hawbabys in September for Labor day. I hope so. I do miss my sister a lot. She's my most favorite person after Mattie.

In other news...we turned in our bills to church, and it looks like they are gonna pay what we gave them..which is about 470 dollars worth of bills. This leaves us with 200 extra dollars that we can pay towards debt! Awoo-hoo!

The critter man is coming to capture the critter (who from now on is referred to as Roofus). Oh, did I not mention him? We have a BEAST living in our roof in the sunroom. Sounds like a dog. We named him Roofus, since he is on the roof...so hopefuly he can capture this guy.

Back to more stock charts!

I got chills..they're multiplyin'

Well, I found out today that Henry's mom is pregnant....WITH TWINS!!!! We are all SO excited because they have tried en-vitro (however it is spelled) for the past liek 6 years and when it did work, she had miscarraiges. SHe is 9 weeks pregnant and is GUSHING with excitement as am I...

Why? Well when I found out it was twins I just spazzed, because one night in May, the week of her egg retreival, Matt and I were praying for her and that this would just work and as I was praying I said something to the effect of..God, maybe even bless her with some twins AND HE DID!!!!!!!!!!

I dunno. It's so amazing what prayer can do. I'm not saying that my prayer alone is what made her pregnant with twins, because God already knew what He wanted for her but MAN that is so cool! I am soooooooo excited for her!!!!!!!! Yay for babies!!!!!

Well I just applied for a job at Best Buy, and tomorrow I am going to go turn in another application at the University of Oklahoma. Apparently my last one never got to where it needed to go, according to the human resources department. Whatever that means. I really want this OU jon, they have great benefits!! And 5 weeks paid vacation, you cant beat that.

Pray that this all goes well, please!! I need a job NOW!

Real Men Love Jesus

This bumper sticker has always bothered me......It sounds so..seclusive? When I see it just makes me want to puke. I mean what kind of message is that sending to men who dont love jesus? That they arent a man? It just seems so rude to me. I don't see anywhere in the Bible that says you aren't a man if you don't love Jesus. Maybe it does, but I don't recall ever seeing anything like that. I studied the New and Old testament in College, and dont once remember focusing on the fact that loving Jesus makes you a man. A man to me is a mature male who does what he can to take care of and provide for his family, who loves his family, doesn't act like a child and isn't irresponsible. Sure, I would prefer a man who loves Jesus, but on my list of what makes a man a man, that isn't like the only qualification.

I dunno, I guess it just bothers me all these little "Christian" sayings we have. Some of them seem so demeaning to those who choose not to believe...it's just embarrasing sometimes.

What a lovely day..

to have a slice of humble pie. (figuratively speaking, that is).

So...while talking to a friend from church, who works there kind of, she suggested that Matt and I go talk to them to seek some financial help. She said they really helped her and her husband when neither of them had a job. She said for us to copy the bills we cant pay and bring them in, and the church should help.

I gotta tell ya we feel REALLY embarrassed to be doing this. But we wrote down all the bills we pay, and it ends up we are (without me having a job) spending 228 more dollars a month than we actually bring in. So....we've been kinda just trusting God to get things payed. We only budget 200 dollars a month for grocerys, so I figure if they could at least give us some gift cards to Wal Mart (which she said they did for her) and pay our internet bill, that would help us out as much as we need.

We prayed we wouldn't be so embarrassed. Matt's sister is the receptionist/administrative assitant at our church, so she pretty much knows everything that goes on....so I am sure she will know about this, and then go and tell Matt's mom, and then they will all question us over lunch about how come they didnt know we were struggling this much.

I'm not writing this as a way to complain, or make you feel bad and send me $$, I am just saying it's HARD to ask for help!!! Especially from your church. I don't know why. Because part of what they are there for is to help out others, ya know? And why wouldn't God want to bless us this way?

Why cant I just find a job!??!!!!

The bank offered me a job at 7.50 an hour. i had to say no, because I would have to get another job on top of htat....and to make ends meet by covering matts expenses, i would have to find another 8 dollar job, along with the bank, and work 88 hours a week. not gonna happen. that is just too much work, ya know?

we put for sale signs up in matts car, so if we can sell it we will use some of that $$ to live off of, which gives me a little longer than 3 weeks to find a job. a lady at church wants me to babysit her THREE boys for 8 bucks an hour for a couple of days. thats so not worth the money or time. she lives forever and a day away...plus 8 dollars for THREE kids is a rip off. i got that with one kid. the nanny lady bailed on me also, she said 10 dollars was too much for her to afford. her loss, eh?

alright......guess i better go print some stocks for my mom.

Got a bandaid?

I hurt. All around me, couples that are close to me are just falling apart. I got news yesterday of my cousin and his wife who are getting a divorce*. All I could do is cry. I mean.....does anybody else in my life want to break up their marraige? Please just go ahead and do it will the wounds are still fresh and before I scab over.

I hurt like this is happening to me....I am so thankful it's not, but if I don't look out, dont keep things right with God, dont love my husband like I should...it could.

Today I prayu for all of our marraiges. May they be blessed beyond all measures and filled with more love we could ever dream of.

*that is a cousin on matt's side...so nobody worry. sorry maclaren and erica for any confusion!!

Job update

So, the bank interview went really good until they told me they only pay 7.50 an hour. I am looking for at least 8, and preferably 10 so that I can support us totally while Matt is in school next semester. Sooo... we will see. It's also only part time with 34 hours a week, which isnt enough, and the schedules arent totally set, so getting a 2nd job would be kind of tricky.

I did however get a call today from a woman at my church who is looking for a nanny a couple days a week starting in august. I told her I charge 10 bucks an hour, so we'll go from there and see how that pans out. My sister in law thinks 10 bucks an hour is too much, but judging from gas prices which dont seem to be lowering anytime soon, and the taxes I have to take out for my checks, It comes out to about 8 bucks. But this would be a set schedule, so I could find a job for the days I am not nannying. ALso, the kid is 14 months old which is such a fun time because they are learning new stuff all the time!! I pray this works out because I looove to nanny.

The nannying wouldn't start until August, and we are praying I can get a job by the end of this month. If not, Matt may have to deny his scolarship and hold off on this schooling program...which will putt him behind in nursing school, so PLEASE PLEASE be praying for something to work out SOON!

We are taking his car to get cleaned this week, then slapping some for sale signs in it. We could use the money, and can get 6 thousand easy for his car so...pray that that sells also.

Well....that's all for now. Wait, one more prayer request- I have a test in govt tomorrow, and judging from my last test (i got a 61) i am very weary of doing good on this...so. yeah...

Pics from downtown tulsa

Job

I have a job intervie with a bank at 2 today. Pray!! I feel so nervous......handling cash..eek!!

Pics from Anniv. date!

This is the Riverwalk Crossing in Jenks (kinda like oxford, alabama). There are lots of shops, restraunts, and a amphitheater all in front of the smelly Arkansas River. They have free concerts every weekend throughout the summer- in fact, Shane and Shane and Todd Agnew are coming- for free! We like to hang out here a lot in the summer.



Just cheesin in the car..

Walkin hand in hand along the riverside

Big feet, little feet

Rotten fruit, pt 2

Since my post about being rotten, I have felt much better. I spent a lot of time praying and worshipping alone in my apartment after that and I feel like a new person. I have been praying and having my quiet times regularly and wadda ya know? I feel GREAT!

Now. A few posts back I told you about our friend Blaine who is very ill. I was talking with Lili yesterday about Blaine, and we both shared that lately we have felt so much love for him. Like, not in a attracted to Blaine way but I think it's agape. Or something. I don't know how to explain it. He is feeling so scared and confused right now, and I honestly think God is allowing Lili and I to love Blaine for Him. I mean, I know God shows him love, but I dunno that Blaine can see that. But I think Blaine seeing it through me and Lili, will reveal God's love to him. Does that make sense? I almost have this feeling that this is our last summer with Blaine, and I want to make sure that if it is, he goes knowing how much he was loved by us and Jesus.

Matt let me shave his head and beard last night, and I must say he is much more attractive. I think he looks like Bruce Willis. Aye aye!

Tomorrow is our anniversarry. Thanks for the e-card, Karen! We are going to the starlight concert at the river amphiteather. Don't know who is playing, but hey it's free, and we are all about free stuff. Plus, outside concerts are just great. Minus the horrific smell of the Arkansas river, and 10 times more chiggers than you will ever see in a pile of pine straw and bama, it should be fun.

Well, off to pring off stock charts for Momma!

UPDATE!!! I just got a call from Lili that Blaine's brother is a perfect bone marrow match, so now they can proceed with a bone marrow transplant that could potentially cure this all!!!

Rotten fruit

My heart has felt bitter, cynical and angry a lot. I really have just felt so stinking angry lately. And cynical. And bitter. All like I just said. I have had zero tolerance for ANYTHING so much so that it's been not pretty for Matt. Please pray for my heart guys. I want so desperately to display love, joy, peace, patience kindness goodness...you know, those SWEET fruits. My fruits right now are rotten and nobody wants a rotten apple.

Sheesh

Next Tuesday is my 3 year wedding anniversary!! I cant believe it has been 3 years already. And I'm only 23 years old...So young still. We currently dont have any celebration plans..suggestions are welcome.

Also, I added a photo slideshow to my photo blog. Check it out! you can get the link to it in my profile. enjoy them!

Goals

Well, Karen's post of her goals for the summer, and recent conversation with my dad got me to thinking about goals. It is very rare that you will see my dad without a yellow legal pad and pen in hand. I asked him the other day what is he always writing? He told me he was making goals. He makes goals for everything..so much so that he said he has a daily goal to get his feet out of the bed, onto the floor and get up. He said that was a joke..but it got me to thinking. What are my daily goals? I want to have them. Sometimes for me getting out of bed IS a chore..so why not make it a goal? So I pulled out one of my journals last night and decided to start making a list of goals I want to accomplish for the next day. At the end of the day I will review my goals for the day and see what I accomplished. It's basically like a to do list...but I find it is more exciting setting goals to acheive rather than just things to do. I dont work well making schedules for myself, because i get spazzed out if I miss a time frame on my schedule and then I feel paralyzed for the rest of the day......they dont call me Aunt Spazzy for nuttin', y'all.

So..thought I would share my Idea!

Wow

I made the Deans Honor Roll for the last semester. I havent made the honor roll since the third grade. I would put exclamation points but the shift key is not working...so I sound less than thrilled but I am really excited..........pretend those are exlcamation points

Three cheers for a hot shower! Yep thats right, we finally got the oil issue worked out and I can now cook and take a shower! Just in time to have all our friends over tonight..woohoo!!

Speaking of friends, our friend Blaine has been diagnosed with Aplastic Anemia, which is really rare. It's basically the bone marrow attacking the blood he is making so he has to keep having blood transfusions. He's actually going to have a bone marrow transplant here in a week or so. Please keep him in your prayers, because he is really scared! I've been reading about this online and they used to just call it fatal. Some new treatments are beginning to surface, however, and we hope they can help Blaine. Him and Matt have been best friends since like 1st grade I think. We are having him and his friends over tonight for "Blaine Appreciation Night". it will be fun! I cant shake this weird feeling that this summer we need to spend as much time with him as possible .....

Anyway. To answer Karen, the job is still continuing. Apparently Home Depot and Old Navy dont even want me! I need something though so please keep praying!!!!!!!

The Hawbakers are in Anniston this week and it is KILLING ME knowing they are so close but I cant go down! Oh well, they are busy anyways.

If any of you watch the news, you may see something about Tulsa today. 50 years ago they buried a Plymouth Belvedere and a time capsule to be dug up on Oklahomas 100th Bday (today, i think). They dug the car up at noon today and people from all over the world came to watch. There are novacancies in any hotel here either. It is crazy! And I would just like to say I live exactly one mile from where the car was buried. I was hoping I could hear peole cheering but alas, I did not.

STILL no hot water! I know, i know..it is very very frustrating.

The heat in our bedroom was unbearable so we went and a bought a window a/c unit. I slept so much better last night. Our apartment had two units already...but a third one sure did help. I remember april and joels first place only had one, right by the bathroom, and it only cooled off the 3 feet surrounding the bathroom. so you all had to gather in the 3x3 hall just to cool off. only, it wasnt very cool cause you were crowded in there with other 2 people trying to get the air as well. a vicious cycle, if you ask me.

Matt sort of got accosted by a drunk man, who claimed to be a member of the Cripts? Cripps? How is it spelled? the other day. I ran inside and called the police. He was arressted for public intoxication, and now we live our lives in fear. Well okay, not fear but we are more cautious. He coulda had a gun!! You never know.

Summer school is going good....

Movin on up..

So..we still dont have the gas turned on, but we are going to start staying at our apartment anyways. The deal is, the gas company thinks that our address doesnt exist....so they cant turn on gas at a nonexistent place. We are in apartment B, but the only one that shows up on maps or something is Apartment A. People are already living there, so they obviously have gas....The owner is supposed to call and prove that we have gas, but he is out of town this week, so it is hard to get a hold of him.

So even though we cant cook or take hot showers over there...we are dying to get out of Grandma Ruthies house. As anybody would want to. It's so dusty here and so much dog hair my allergies go nuts!!!

Summer school started this week. I am taking math and american fed. governement. Govt is kind of interesting, ....i thought i would hate it. I am sort of upset because financial aid wont let me take any classes unless they are absolutely necessary to earn my degree. I have so many hours, i guess it looks like i have been freeloading these past 4 yeras of school. although the first time i ever recieved financial aid was last semester. I am just bummed cause i wanted to take photography again. Hey....that reminds me, i should look for jobs at photo studios! aha!

Well....that's all for now. matts mom is paying me to clean out grandma ruthies bedroom to get it ready for new carpet or hardwood floors. its hard with grandma looming over me making sure i throw nothing away. she holds on to EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!! so dirty and dusty in there.

we should finish up the unpacking tomorrow, and then i will take pics of our new place to share with everybody!

have a great weekend! go see oceans 13 it looks great!!

La la la la life goes on...

Well. Still sleeping on an air bed at grandmas house. Gas still not turned on.

I had a job interview today at this company called Paychex. They offered me a temporary position, with the same I am making at Henrys, and less hours. Also, the manager was looking down my dress the whole time. needless to say, i was extremely uncomfortable and will call tomorrow declining the position. I would be working directly with that man and I dont want to.

Pleaseeee be praying that the right job comes along SOON. I am resorting to the mall in looking for jobs, and will spend my time applying at the mall tomorrow...we will see.

Lets see...so we moved our stuff into our apartment last saturday, and have been sleeping at Matts' Gma's on the floor ever since. It has been one drama filled even after another, and I am at my wits end with my attitude. ONG (the gas co) was supposed to come turn on the gas on the 31st, so yesterday we tried it...no hot water, the gast stove wont come on...so apparently, the gas is not on. Morons, right? I feel that way, anyways.

I am so ready to move out of here and into my own house. To make matters even better, my stone bruise has flared up on my heel big time and I am basically walking on my tippy toes to keep the pressure off....not so much conducive to unpacking boxes for hours on end, right?

But what is good? My husband loves me. I am fortunately sleeping good, even on a matress made of couch cushions. I am not sure how to spell cushions. Oh well.

I cant express enough how excited I am for April and Joel to move back to Alabama. Just the possibility that my family is ACTUALLY CLOSE is huge!!!!!!!!! I also think it's cool that Carly and Olivia will get to go play at the playground that we did as kids. And see our old house, etc etc. Just so cool, i think.

I really dont want to raise lazy kids. I love being near matts family because it helps me know how I want and do not want to be and raise my kids. Ha! As bad as that sounds, it is so true.

Hmmm....glad to see the Woerner clan is joining facebook. I for one am additcted. You will be soon, too.

Well, I guess that's all the thoughts rambling around in my head for today..

A case of the Mondays

I think I have had a case of the Mondays since last saturday....its like I cannot get out of this bad mood! Help me!!!

Gone in 60 seconds

While I was in NC last week, my mom came up with this idea that if we had something to complain about, we only got 60 seconds to speak our minds, and then we had to forever hold our peice. Well, today was moving day in the Loerke household, and I bottled up all my complaints for "60 seconds" on my blog. It's a safe haven, since nobody in matt's family knows about this, and most of my complaints are about them. So, t-minus 60 and counting:

-matts mom got really lost because she was supposed to follow me, but decided not to and exit whatever way she watned to go.
- i specifically labeled the box with our flatscreen computer monitor as FRAGILE. DO NOT STACK ANYTHING ON TOP OF THIS BOX. for fear of harming the screen. I find the box underneath EVERYTHING in the back of Matts moms car. DID YOU NOT SEE MY MARKING ON THE BOX?? if its ruined, that will involve another post of complaints.
- dont ask me after every freaking box you grab "where should i put this?" I SPECIFIALLY LABLED ALL BOXES AS DEN, KITCHEN, BEDROOM, BATHROOM...and ALL THE BOXES SOMEHOW ENDED UP IN THE DEN. AGAIN I ASK...DID YOU NOT SEE MY MARKING???
- my time is up.

Sorry if you hate complaining, but I feel better now.

On another note, (because I like to leave my blogs on other notes, seems to be a common theme I have)...I really really miss April. She's my twin and I feel so sad when I leave her. I feel more like her twin anyway, then her younger sister. I cant wait till April lives a whole freaking day closer to me. Now I gotta get maclerica down this way............

Off to bed after my 16 hours of moving!!!!!!!!!!1 and we still arent done!!!

I've got a fevah

And the only cure is more moving!

Well, we are moving apartments Saturday. As soon as we get the keys, I will get over there and take some pictures. Today my goal was to pack my clothes. In the process, I realized half of my clothes were items that I was able to wear some two the three years ago, but cant fit my big toe in now. I have been holding on to these clothes for "when" or "if" and I finally decided today that enough is enough. I keep seeing this clothes, remembering the glory days of being a size nothing, and then eating because I am depressed that I literally cant fit the dang ole big toe on those clothes. SO. I pulled out some garbage bags, filled them up with all clothes that do not fit RIGHT now (minus my two fave jeans from the gap that I allowed myself to keep) and I am marching them down to the goodwill donation center. Out with the old. I have to come to terms with myself right now, and work on getting this self healthy...not just wishing I could look like I did when I was a teenager. (which wasnt that long ago, but at the same time it was almost 4 years...thats a lot of weight..). So, I am doing this while Matt is not here, because he is a packrat and will insist i keep the clothes for a later date (right, when I am pregnant?? ha!). There is no stopping me now.

On another note, I am so over selfishness right now.

Also, if you ask Henry to do the moonwalk, he will turn around and start walking backwards. It's amazing!

Wendesday I went with April to pick up Carly from school. All last week they learned about Noah's ark, and she painted a picture. Carly told me she painted it for me (probably because I told her it was beautiful). NOthing more was saidof the pic...and then Saturday morning I was telling Carly "Carly, I just love you so much" and she said "naught-uh" and buried her face in the couch. I said "You dont love your aunt spazzy?" and she said "Of course I do, i gave you the ark picture!" HA!!!

Carlyisms, as told by Aunt Spazzy

Yes, I am copying april's idea of Carlyisms, but I have a bunch too:

April: Carly, do you know Aunt SPazzys name?
Carly: no
April: It's Amy michelle
....10 minutes later at Sonic, to Opa
Me: Carly, canyou tell opa what you learned my name was?
Carly: Aunt Spazzy Shell....
it has since changed to Aunt Spazzy Michelle
________________
This morning Carly told me about her day with Papa at work;
Carly: I went to work with Papa and it was sooo awesome and like WHOA!
_____________
I gave Carly some gushers this morning..
Me: Carly tell Momma what you had after breakfast
Carly: I had dryers!! no....Gushers

Precious.

I love this kid!!!

Even walls fall down

I feel like I've had this wall up around me for....a long time now. I know God was [is] there, but..I just couldn't "feel" it. I couldn't get into worship at church, I couldn't pay attention...it's like I felt like I was drifting further and further away....

Anyway, the other night my friend Lili and I went to see Michael W. Smith in concert. It was amazing and a great time of worship and I felt like my walls finally come down. I finally felt like the only thing between me and God was my actual flesh. It was great! God has been showing up so much around my little world in Tulsa lately and it was so great to FEEL it too. I cant explain it. I just...I have been a much happier person ever since.

I'm also happy because on FRIDAY I leave to see my family!!! Wahooo!!

Also, I am searching high and low for a full time job that is NOT retail or food related. Please keep this in your prayers as I need a job TOMORROW basically.

Also, I am very excited that April and Joel and the girls are moving back to Alabama!!! This means I will basically be a whole day closer to my family. And undoubtedly, mom and dad will have to migrate that way also...sooo...this is just good all the way around. Now I just gotta get Maclareica closer.

OH yeah! Today we are going to sign our lease and put down a deposit for our new apartment. I will post pictures when I can get in there. It is DARLING! AND we are so excited!

Tomorrow is Mom's birthday- Happy Birthday Momma!!

Well...not counting the day of my arrival, 11 days until I see my family!!!!!!

My God is so big

So strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do..

Remember that song? Thats what I am singing right now. Why? Well..drumroll please...

The apartment leasing company settled on giving us $2400 to pay for the damages to our car!!!! THis means we dont have to claim it on insurance, we dont have to pay our 500 dollar deductible and we dont have to pay the 50 extra bucks a month taht would increase our insurance! And that means GOD ANSWERED OUR PRAYERS!

We were singing a song in church on sunday and I was just closing my eyes, and I felt like I heard God just telling me "Stop worrying. It's going to be okay. Why cant you just trust me?" and I replied with "Cause it's so hard. Money doesnt exactly flow from volcanoes around here in case you hadn't noticed..." And He said "I noticed. But you made 30 dollars yesterday, how bout giving that to me?" "But I need that for grocerys this week, Lord.." "But...trust me, I will take care of you". "sigh...Okay...". So, I gave my money up. And i felt just this sense of peace and encouragement. And look, everything IS okay. WHy is it so easy to trust God when everything is good, but when it's "nopt good", it's so hard? I'm listening to that Overcoming Impossibilites that mom had me download..it's awesome!!

But I am just so excited! Matt has been needing new tires and brakes. And his whole backside of his car fixed. We found a mechanic here who will find use parts and hopefully fix our car for $1000, that leaves us $1400 left for 300 dollar tires and like 75 dollar brake discs. SCORE FOR US AND PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!

ALSO...to add to the post. Mattie just called me and..we've found this apartment for $450 a month, water trash sewer is paid..its' 900 square feet and has a SUN ROOM!!!!!!!!! ie...a room full of windows which has been my dream for...FOREVER. MOm you can come be a lizard with me. This apartment is darling and we are going to look at it Friday afternoon. I pray this works out because...it's cheaper then our rent now, and bigger than our apartment now...its just perfect.

Uncertainty

Did I spell that right?

SO, I had a chat with Henry's mom (Amy is her name) today. The scoop is....Henry's dad (Clint) basically got fired or something from his job. He has been an orthodontist with this guy for the past two years, and in the past few months they have been preparing to go into partnership together. And suddenly the head Ortho tells Clint he doesnt want to be partner anymore, so Clint is basically left looking for a new job. THis may not happen right away. So this leaves me in limbo. I may only have a few sweet weeks left with Henry. My buddy. Makes me so sad to think about!!!! I hate the thought of missing out on his life...he is changing so much day to day. I told Amy she cant get rid of me that fast and that I will come over and play...ah me....The good news is that in the meantime I do have a backup job for the summer....but after that, I am sort of stuck. But I may still be with Henry. Who knows. Just pray that everything works out for me and for the Emersons (Henrys family).

____________
And a side note for you B'Ham dwellers:

On May 23, my friends band Jackson Waters will be playing somewhere in Bham (not announced where yet) with Building 429, I belive. They are both christian bands...I think you should check out Jackson Waters and if you are free that night go see them! They are a lot like matchbox twenty style, so if you like that, you will like them. They also had a song of thiers play on "One Tree Hill" on the WB..or CW..whatever it is now. CHeck them out now at http://www.myspace.com/jacksonwaters, or you can preview both of their albums on iTunes.

Why worry, when you can pray?

My dad used to sing me that song (well not always but he did a couple times) when I would be so worried about whatever my daily worry was. (i'm a major worry-wart). He obviously did it enough for me to remember...

Anyway, this month has been a month of worry and complaining for me. I can sit here and mope and think "why me? why now?" ...but then I can reflect on what HAS been great this month.

Sure, Matt wrecked the car, sure I have a toothache that feels like...fire shooting up into my cheek. Sure our rent is about to go up. SUre my pants ripped...

But just this week alone we were able to get out of over 1,000 dollars in debt. WE HAD THAT MUCH MONEY LYING AROUND! We just didnt realize. So that is GREAT!!!

I look around at my apartment and I realize I have everything I need. I even have so much furniture that some of it doesnt even get sat on. (april and mom, you know that blue chair...we've decided to donate it to the garage sale. yay!!). I have 400 blankets on my bed to please the husband who likes heavy blankets, I have clothes on my back, and a mother in law and sister in law who are the exact size as me, so we can share clothes. I have a momma that is flying me down to visit which i am sooooooooo excited about.

I just have a lot. More than I need. So I am greatful.

also i added some pics to my photo blog. scroll down on this page on the right and there is a link that says "my pictures". you can see them there. check em out!

Lent, take 2...and action!

Well. Lent ended on Easter for us. We immediately went back to our sugar eating ways...and decided we have a major addiction to food. Namely anything with added sugars, high fructose corn syrup, etc etc...

So we are fasting again. From all. Even diet soda, sugar free jello, ....because we were using that to replace the sugar, so we weren't really solving any problems. Also, I didnt spend any of that time offering my heart to Jesus, w hich is what I really wanted to do. So I felt convicted to do it over again, and Matt decided to join me. We didnt set a time limit, we're just gonna go with it.

In other news, the leasing company for our apartment called and asked matt to get a damage estimate from three places, turn those in, and then go from there. So I guess this means they will pay for some? I would he bappy if they just gave us free rent for 6 months or so. That would be nice. Either way, it's an answer to prayer that we might not have to claim this on our insurance. Whoopie!!

Its so cold and rainy. A perfect day for chili. So, I've got it in the crockpot. Tonight we will eat it over macaroni noodles- mmm mmm good!

I farted in front of Henry today, and he died laughing. It was really cute! He says "baba" (Bible) "Touujfy784y" (thank you) "moomoo" (Cow), "Cah!" (car)....and today he even said "one, two three" (it was more like mm, mmm,. mmmmm). But I know thats what he was saying cause we had been couting his three toy letters.

Ummmm..THat's all folks.

This is my life:

I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. It's been about two months since I've worked out. And I just don't have the time. Which uh..is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh..and watch tv. And get a bone density test. And uh.. try to figure out what my phone number spells in words. - Ellen DeGeneres


This quote may be by Ellen, but I think I came up with it first.

Oops!

Mattie backed into the budget box in our apartment parking lot. It was dark, there are no street lights.

My pants (third pair) ripped. I keep having to buy new ones.

All of these stresses make me feel like...AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

But then, I go online to check out my rewards points from my credit card, and I realize...after this next bill is payed, I should have enough to cash in for a $100 gift card to Gap or Old Navy, so that will cover me getting new pants, and keep us out of debt!

As for the car...we have a 500 dollar deductible....but God is good and has never left us or forsaken us.

Wow!

While searching a totally unrelated website today, I was directed to http://www.craigslist.org, which directed me to apartments for rent in tulsa...which directed me to an answer to prayer.

And that would be an apartment for $450 a month, with all bills pay, which is exactly what Matt and I have been praying for.

It is a garage apartment, which means we would be downsizing a LOT, but I am okay with that. I actually want to downsize. I am tired of having so much stuff...plus, there is an attic that we can store stuff in.

THis place is really nice too. New pergo floors, new paint, it just looked really cute. The bills even include cable (which we dont even have!) and WIFI internet!

I just pray this is still available (it was posted march 13) and that we can do this! Pray with me! If we move here it would free up about 200 dollars a month which would really help towards paying off our debt.

What's new pussycat? Whoa whoa whoa whoaaa

What is new?

46 days till I see my family. Although, it's not so much seeing my fam as it is seeing bits and peices of them over a weeks period. It's all sort of weird. I'm not expecting to see Dad much. He makes plans and then sort of fakes out on them. Says he'll do something and doesn't do it. I'm not sure what to think about him right now anyways. In a way I am sort of dreading that part. I'm just being honest. I am insanely excited about spending time with my Momma, though. I disliked her for so long, and now I think I miss her more than anybody. And my sister. And my nieces. Gosh golly. And my brother and Erica. And my dad, too. It's just weird. The whole family dynamic ....is gone? Is it? It's changed. I dont know where I fit. I dont know what to think. I dont know, I don't know, I don't know.

I do know my head hurts, my husband is not home, and I won't really see him till Friday, I am avoiding my research paper on Lactose Intolerance (most boring topic EVER), I finally got approved for financial aid, and I should hopefully be graduating with my Associates in December.

I know............

but I don't know.

I get to see Olivia in May!!

E for Effort?

I would just like to announce, that since the first time since 3rd grade, I am making A's in my College courses.

WAHHHY!!!!!!!!!!!

It feels to good to feel smart!! Haha!

Pictures

Hey I've got some pics of Olivia on snapfish but I dont have you guys emails! So if you want to see my adorable niece, gimme your email and I will send em!!!

that's all i've got of my sweetie neice...I am sure April will surface with some when she is feeling up to! I am sure me calling her and keep begging for pics isn't helping.

I put up new photos on mi otro blog.

SHE'S HERE!!

Olivia Grace Hawbaker is here!!

8 pounds 11 ounces and 20 1/2 inches.
Joel said she's the exact same weight and height as Carly, but she has less hair on her head than Carly did. It's still dark. And everybody says she looks JUST LIKE Carly when Carly was born.

YAY for the Miracle of Birth!!!!

Yay!!!

This time next week I will have another niece!!

I am SOOO EXCITED!!!!

Oooh how I wish I could hold her, but I will Carly do it instead. :) She's gonna be such a good helper, Apes. I am praying that she can adjust well to another person getting attention. And if not, send her here and I will stuff her with swiss cake rolls. :)

Friends are friends forever...

Wayull...We've lived here 2 years and I am finally making some girl friends!!

Camera shy

I can't explain how I feel when I am behind a camera, but I love it. It's something so personal to me. When I am behind a camera I am able to capture the world as I see it. I think I see things a little differently than a majority of the people. I look at my homework spread out across the table and I think "wow, that's a cool composition", so I take a picture of it. I like the way my sandwich looks when I have taken a bite out of it...so I snap a picture. I think I see things differently. I also feel sort of vulnerable behind a camera. I don't want people to see me behind it. I feel embarrassed. Like somebody is reading my journal and gathering all my most precious thoughts. I don't like it. But I love it. Make sense?

I think I am going to try and find a photography school instead of pursuing psychology. Jojo, Dad, Maclaren, Mattie and the rest of my fam talked me into it. If taking pics is what I love, then why am I kidding myself by trying something else?

And then at the same time I try and talk myself out of this...why? I don't think I can capture photos of people very well.

But so what? WHo says I have to take pics of people? And who says I can' improve?

I'm just talking to myself here.

I thought I had lost one of my most favorite cd's and today after MONTHS of looking for it, I found it. I am ecstatic.

A few of my favorite things

My new favorite baby- Esseny Grace..she is 2 months old and ADORABLE!!
These are my married bro's and sistas. I love getting to know them better.

And of course, HENRY WADE!! I love love love him. He says "uh-oh" now and loves to read books.

Tomorrow is Matties birthday. I got him Prison Break on DVD....and I am going to surprise him with a cake when he gets off of work tomorrow. :) I dont have a picture of him to put up but he is one of my favorite things, too.

Mi hermano

Well, I met my new brother this week. I now have 5 brothers. My newest one- Dani (pronounce dah-KNEE...[with emphasis on the knee]). He is AWESOME!!! His little broken english is the cutest thing. he has had such an overwhelming week...he flew on a plane for the very first time, he saw snow for the very first time, everybody around him is speaking english, he doesnt know when he will be back in Peru again....I for one would be a basketcase. Heck, I was a basketcase just moving across the country...he moved to a NEW country. He is doing so great though and I am surprising myself at how much spanish I can understand.

On a different note....I want a baby NOW!!! I'm so excited ...Friday I get to go shopping with my friend Ana and her baby Esseny to find her something to wear. here is nothing I love more than babies r' us.....that store is fabulous!!

Alrighty...

Looking forward..

Well, this is going to be a crazy week! Mattie finally starts his EMT school, so he will be gone T, W, and Thursday nights from 6-10. What's great here is I work until about 5:30 soo...I wont be seeing him at least 3 days a week. (I really don't think thats great, it was sarcasm in case you missed it...). And dont ask why I abbreviated T, and W, and not Thursday. Thats just the way I wanted it...

Also on Tuesday my favorite Mary in the whole wide world gets into Tulsa from Peru!!!! I havent seen Mary since February and she is my bestest friend here so yay!!! We are all glad to have her and her husband back.

I think I've gained about 10 pounds since we've been housebound from ice...I had sent Mattie to the store to get bread, soy milk...he comes back with oreos and a humongous cookie cake. Thats my husband..he cant ingore the sugar side of life...

Umm....school is going good. Remember my nutty nutrition professor that I mentioned last post? Well, i had my new one yesterday- and he wore spandex pants to class with a t-shirt. I was worried the whole class his t-shirt would ride up and I would see a sight I do not want to see. You know what I mean. I guess it's just int he rule book for nutritionists to be sort of weird...maybe I would fit right in...

On another note, I am desperately wanting to be in NC when Olivia appears in this world. But, situations (money, school, 1, 125 miles) say differently so I guess I am stuck here until possibly next Christmas. Unless a free plane ticket and money to cover a week of work fall from the sky.

No, that was not a plea for you to send me money.........i was just talking.

Well friends, I have another blog for pics taht I havent used in FOREVER but I am putting some on of mattie and me in the ice storm if you wanna take a gander. Here is the link: http://www.mypassionpics.blogspot.com

Off to do homework!

Fact or fiction?

Picture this..

It's about 7:30 pm, on an unseasonably warm January night...I am in my first night of nutrition class. My professor is rambling on and on about his theories of food dangers that the government is covering up. One such theory is this.....we've all heard the thing about reusing bottled water bottles can cause cancer, right? Well, my professor goes further into this theory to tell us that consuming mass amounts of bottled water and pop (thats coke or soda for you non-Okies) during your third trimester will dramatically increase your chances *like almost 100 percent* of your child being born gay!!!

Yes, you read that right.

He then went on to say that that was a study...and he belevies that is not true, but homosexuality is in your dna. You can't help it.

_____________ insert 10 minute break

While the prof is out of the room, I ask my fellow students.."Did he just say that drinking bottled water will make my child be born gay" and they all said yes. It killed me! Nobody even doubted him! I am sure I made a face because this woman asked "Why, do you not agree?" and I said "Of course I dont agree, I believe homosexuality is a choice! You arent born that way!" and she replies with a "Well we'll just have to ask God some day" and I said "I'm pretty sure God would not approve of this theory...but I'm no professional on the matter". I didn't want to get in a huge debate becaus thats not what the class is about but......come on people!!! The Bible clearly states that homosexuality is a sin, am I right?

Needless to say I have switched profs and classes..

2007

Well, it's a new year now...in case you hadn't noticed yet. This year I will hopefully end up with my associates degree in my hand...and maybe a baby in my belly. I will hopefully have a fireman husband or at least an EMT....I will move to a new apartment..I will keep exercising. I will mature more.