Lately I've been doing something...weird. It's like I am able to step outside myself and examine all my thoughts and actions, etc etc. I don't know how to explain it. It's like I'm here, but I'm also out there, watching the me who is here. What' bothers me most about this is that the me who is outside watching doesn't like the me that it is watching. I've noticed lately how angry I am. I've also found myself thinking thoughts that, in my own opinion, I don't normally think. For example, the other night we had some friends over for dinner. We've been friends with them for maybe a month and half. I like them a lot, but over dinner they revealed that they are moving to Kansas City in August, I feel like normally I would have been thinking "Awww man, just when we make some friends they go and leave us", but instead I thought "Eh...well, why get close?" And then right after I thought that, I thought "Who ARE you? Why are you thinking this way?" It's like I have been carrying on a constant conversation with myself...It's almost like I feel pretty much dis-attached (is that a word) from pretty much everybody except for Matt and Henry. And my family. And then not even my whole family.
I don't know.
I don't like myself.
I don't like my body.
I don't like much anymore.
I don't want to take medicine for this.
I want to think happy thoughts.
I want to get off the couch and exercise.
I want to not be so tired all the time.
I want to have better control of my spending habits.
I want to eat healthier.
I want to be different than who I am.
My Norman Rockwell
15 years ago
1 comment:
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